I never was the type of girl who daydreamed about her wedding. That wasn’t for lack of imagination. It was just a matter of practicality. I dated plenty over the years and mostly had fun doing it, but I never met a person who had me pining over dresses and diamonds. By the time I met a man who did, I was too old to buy into the fantasy, too grounded to indulge in the extravagance, too busy to get swept up in the fanfare. And that’s not a thinly-veiled feminist judgment on those who do. It’s just how I felt about meeting my partner later in life when I was already at peak happiness and the pinnacle of my career. I was content with things the way they were. No public declaration or life-long promise or certified paperwork needed.
But that’s just me. There was another person in the relationship and his name, his real name, is Valtteri. I told him that if marriage was important to him, I would happily go along with the idea. If a wedding was something he imagined in his future, I would help him plan one. If he really wanted to put a ring on it, I wasn’t going to argue with him. But Valtteri is Finnish. And like most Finns, he is a man of few words. He never admitted to wanting anything more and so we went, stacking up the years, building a home in Helsinki, traveling all over Europe—two people happy to be together.
We agreed, somewhere along the way, that we would likely get married out of necessity eventually. Realistically speaking, that’s what it would take to (officially) live in the same country or move freely to another. But that was a decision for another day. In the meantime, we took advantage of the fact that my (now former) employer signed the paperwork that allowed me to live and work in Germany. I didn’t really see the need for more. And Valtteri, in his silence, seemed to agree.
But as the story goes, that German set-up didn’t last as long as we expected. After I was laid off last October, it was up to me to figure out how I would legally stay in Europe. The most obvious thing to do would have been to get married and apply for a spousal visa. But anyone reading this blog knows that I rarely do the obvious. And so, I tried to find a workaround—one that would grant me a visa and a source of income besides.
An opportunity came to me by happy accident. Just as my full-time employer was closing the door on my little European adventure, a group of former co-workers, who had since moved on to new roles, started opening all the windows. They hired me for little jobs, that turned into bigger jobs, that quickly turned into a small business. And so I decided to apply for a Finnish residence permit not as a wife, but as an entrepreneur.
It was November when Valtteri and I went to the immigration office together to hand in my application, a business plan and financial statements. We watched as the man behind the counter flipped through the pages and tried to make sense of it. Like most people, he didn’t seem to understand why we weren’t doing things the obvious way.
“You’ve been dating how long?” he asked.
“Three years,” we said.
“And you’re not married?” he asked.
“No,” I answered. “Should we get married?”
“It would be faster,” he replied.
“Well we could get married,” I said, turning to Valtteri, as though the man had proposed we step outside for a cup of coffee.
“Well you already applied this way,” the officer interrupted. “So now we have to do it this way.”
And so we did. And, if I’m being honest, that’s the way I wanted to do it anyway. Over the years, I may have gotten comfortable with the idea of having a partner and giving up small doses of my identity, but I still shudder at the idea of being a dependent, even on paper. I wasn’t sure that I could pass myself off as a business owner, but I would rather try that than assume the title of Mrs.
Another thing you probably know about me by now is that I am a planner. I love a good contingency. I don’t eat eggs, but if I did, I wouldn’t put them all in one basket. I know a lot of people who are like me, making B and C plans, carrying around two debit cards and a copy of their ID just in case—of what, we don’t really know, but that’s beside the point. It’s something we learned to do because we know that no one is holding the net.
Valtteri was at work one Saturday afternoon when I decided to hatch my backup plan. I did a quick online search to see how exactly a U.S. citizen gets married in Finland. Turns out, it’s a fairly simple process. The most complicated part involves paying a visit to the U.S. embassy in Helsinki and forking over $50 to confirm you’re unmarried. Never one to wait, I booked an appointment for the following week. And, never one to have my cell phone activated, I sent the text confirmation to Valtteri’s number—no warning given. It was his birthday, which made for quite a surprise!
When I tell this story in person, most people seem straight-up horrified by this. “If I were him, I would have run,” is how one person put it. And I will concede that what I did seems like a red flag that has several warning bells attached to it.
But, in my defense, Valtteri getting that text message as I was facing unemployment and deportation was nothing. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. In that moment, I didn’t really care if Valtteri was overwhelmed by an appointment. I was the one who was putting it all on the line, jumping through hoops to apply for a visa that would allow me to run a business in one of the most expensive countries in the world. I was the one who would be high and dry without a place to go if it didn’t work out. I was the one who was limiting my prospects by agreeing to settle in a place where I have next to no chance of ever learning the language, which means that I have even less of a chance finding a decent job in the future. I was the one doing all the hard work, making all the hard choices. If Valtteri was overwhelmed at the mere idea of stepping up and marrying me as a backup plan, then maybe I was the one who needed to run. Because why should I go through the hassle of figuring out how to live in a foreign country and run a business there if the person I was doing it for didn’t have any intention of investing something of his own?
Valtteri, by the way, was neither shocked nor overwhelmed by any of this when I explained it over dinner later that night.
“When’s the appointment?” he asked.
“Wednesday,” I replied.
“Oh, good,” he said. “I don’t have work that day.”
“I know,” I said, taking a sip of my margarita. “I checked your calendar.”
He dipped a chip in salsa and nodded. “Cool,” he said.
“So I guess we’re engaged then?” I asked.
He shrugged. “I guess so.”
That was November 17. Later that month, we picked up the $50 form that verified I was unmarried, as well as a completely free Finnish version saying the same about Valtteri. Then, we put them both in a drawer and waited as my visa application wound its way through the immigration process. The queue was long, as they are all over Europe. The earliest I expected to hear was mid-April, but realistically the decision wouldn’t come until late in the summer.
In the meantime, I was allowed to live in Finland. I also decided to take some time to travel, booking trips to Romania, Malaysia and the States between February and June. I did this in the hope that the email would arrive sooner if I wasn’t sitting around waiting for it.
Or at least that was the plan. It was mid-March when I returned to Finland from my trip to Southeast Asia. I had managed to cross a series of borders—Malaysia, Thailand, Ukraine, Finland—all of which closed in a matter of days, if not hours, after I had passed. It was truly one of my finest performances and I sincerely regret that I had no idea I was giving it. I would have live tweeted it!
The day after I arrived in Helsinki, as Valtteri and I made dinner, I received a news alert on my phone. President Trump was now considering closing the U.S. border completely. Any Americans who were traveling abroad were encouraged to either return immediately or be prepared to wait it out. I felt a pit grow in my stomach as I read the full article.
To be clear, I had no intention of returning to the States in the middle of a pandemic. I have no home, no job and no health insurance. New York City or Philadelphia, the two cities where I have the strongest ties, appeared to be among the absolute worst places for me to wait out a health emergency. But still I panicked about what to do. I wasn’t concerned about the idea of having to stay in Finland, so much as the possibility that Finland wouldn’t let me stay. Valtteri waved away the very idea. “That won’t happen,” he said. “They won’t say that all the foreigners need to leave. How would that even work?” Ordinarily, I would have believed him. But ordinarily borders all over the world wouldn’t be closed already, a scenario that seemed laughable just a few days before.
I opened the drawer in the kitchen and pulled out the certificate we received from the Finnish magistrate. I checked the date the form was issued and counted on my fingers.
“This is still valid for one month,” I said.
Valtteri stood there, a knife in one hand, staring at me.
“I know that’s not going to change anything overnight,” I said. “I know I won’t be a resident or a citizen, but I would still feel better if we did it. If they decide that I can’t stay here tomorrow, even if they still force me to leave, at least this way I have a better chance of coming back later, when things reopen.”
Valtteri stood completely still, as if trying to outsmart a T-Rex.
“I can’t take it,” I said. “There is too much uncertainty. I don’t know if my application will go through and if it doesn’t and the borders are closed then what am I going to do? I can’t go home and there’s nowhere else that will take me. I don’t have a plan for this.”
“OK,” Valtteri said. “We’ll get married.”
And so we did. On April 10*.
By that point, Helsinki, like many cities all over the world, was more or less shut down aside form essential services, such as courthouse marriages. Even if Valtteri and I wanted to plan a party to celebrate, we wouldn’t have been able to. All the bars, restaurants, cafes and event spaces were closed by the end of March.
I was self-quarantining for the first two weeks after I returned from Malaysia. When I finally got around to leaving the house to look for a dress, the stores were ghostly quiet and all the clerks were wearing white gloves. As I browsed the racks, I lost my nerve. I felt like one of those people being interviewed on the 6 o’clock news about how they just had to go on spring break or make it to Palm Sunday mass. Wedding or not, I couldn’t be one of those idiots. I walked out without trying on a single item and ordered a cocktail dress from ASOS instead. It cost $80.
Over the next week, I sprung for two flower arrangements from a local shop and booked a car service to the courthouse. Valtteri and I left the house to try on rings at a jewelry shop that just happened to be having a moving sale. We pre-ordered take out from a Michelin star restaurant and checked our stock of “good” red wine.
And then, when the time came, we set all that lackluster shit aside and decided to have a great day. We met a friend near our old apartment for an amateur photo session. We shivered through an outdoor ceremony in the parking lot of the courthouse. We popped two bottles of champagne and sipped the afternoon away with Valtteri’s parents and sisters in our living room, all seven of us trying and failing to maintain two meters distance in a 60-square meter apartment. We met up with our friends and family via Zoom, where everyone was given the chance to make a toast or sing a song or tell a story. About two hours in, my brother set off a confetti cannon indoors and I was playing Valtteri’s friends’ rap video vis-a-vis screen share at full volume.
In other words, it was pretty much the same as every other wedding: loud, nuts, fun, full of character. Except at the end of it, instead of saying a long line of good byes and tucking ourselves in at a hotel suite or jetting off somewhere romantic the next day, we just washed our faces and crawled into bed. We woke up the next morning, ignored all the stemware piled up in our kitchen sink, and made coffee. We had breakfast on the couch, looked deep into each other’s eyes and made earnest promises about not losing our rings.
That’s not how I expected my wedding day to go down, but, in the end, maybe that’s for the best. Because really what is marriage but two people starting the day with good intentions, making the most of the bits you can control, taking the bad in stride and going to bed together, happy, healthy and full of take out? The past few months have proven that no one knows what the future will bring. All we can do is hope for the best, plan for the worst and be grateful if you have someone brave enough to live through it with you.
*In reading this post to Valtteri pre-publishing, he pointed out that we did not get married on April 10. We got married on April 8. And this conversation took place on the 11th. I am currently the world record holder for Forgetting One’s Wedding Anniversary.
My now-husband and I transferred with work from Canada to the US on separate visas after we’d been living together for about 7 years with no intention of ever getting married. As a girl in New Zealand once said to me, I don’t need that piece of paper. Until I did (well, need is maybe a bit strong). My visa was infinitely renewable but I could never apply for a green card, so when the company was working on his application for green card they told us the paperwork would be easier if we were married first. I filled out the application and 3 days later we were married in a courthouse in Texas before heading to work. Work’s dress code was business casual so we both wore golf shirts, and I don’t think we even took a selfie. We didn’t tell anyone beforehand because we weren’t sure the courthouse would have time slots open. We had what my family calls a big “do” a year later back home with family/friends. You know, back in the day when it was safe to gather. I still tell everyone we had a marriage of convenience.
Three years later, while having supper at a friend’s, the subject of wedding anniversaries came up, and after calculating and a bit of discussion we realized it was ours. Made for a good laugh.
Love the story and yes, it makes perfect sense. I was hooked on your blog before you met Mr. Ice Bath. Congratulations to you both and here’s to so much more!
thanks so much!! here’s to so much more, indeed!
THANK YOU. i get it… so i feel like you get me. it’s not that i didn’t see my future with Valtteri, but just that I didn’t need the piece of paper. until i did. but like you said, i didn’t really “need” it – just thought it would make sense and help things along. i see how it sounds like a marriage of convenience, but it’s also more than that.
also, hilarious on the anniversary! i feel you. i really do. but even though i am not sentimental, i like an excuse to celebrate. i am going to try my best to remember my anniversary just so that we can have a good date night. i’d like to think of my wedding night as the only april 8 i spend on the couch eating takeout from this point forward.
Congratulations!!! Who could pull off getting married during a lockdown, if not you?
Nova, I am smiling ear-to-ear reading this post. I’ve been following your adventures for a while, and I am absolutely not surprised at all that this is how your wedding day went. Perfectly Nova. Wishing you all the happiness in the world. Stay safe, and stay healthy!
thanks so much Jo!! Nice to hear from you. i know you heard your fair share of my romance woes over the years, so i’m glad you got to see the happy ending too. Hope you and yours are all safe and well.. and that the smile will last
xx
i must say, i am a little impressed with myself for pulling it off… and having a good time doing it. i almost couldn’t believe the paperwork was still valid. i thought it had long expired and that we’d have to do it all again eventually. but hey – the stars lined up… oh and there was a supermoon that night too!
anyway, thanks for reading and the well wishes! here’s to love after lockdown.
Congrats matey! You both look lovely and happy. And after reading this blog, your wedding makes perfect sense for you!
arrrrr! thank you!! appreciate the well wishes :)
Congratulations! What a great beginning to your love story ! Wishes you many years of joy!
thanks so much! when you get married during a pandemic, things can only get better, right? xx
I saw the instagram post and thought I’d missed something on the blog, but it makes perfect sense that this is how you had a wedding. Congratulations!!
Thank you for telling your story as only you could! So happy for you. Stay happy and well.
thanks so much barb!! hope you and yours are all doing well!
xx
haha! yes! it’s funny, a few people, especially on Facebook had mentioned that they thought they missed something. i can understand why. i post all the time so why would i leave out that life event? i think if we had more time, i would have… but we basically went from “engaged” to married in three weeks and with time zones as they are, it took us a while to make the calls and share the news. by that point, it seemed better just to wait for the “wedding.” at least we were dressed in real clothes by then!
that said, i did find it interesting that people now expect important news to be shared via social media. (and, again, i totally get how that applies to me in particular since i have such an active online persona.) but still… the expectation now is that every pregnancy, engagement, marriage, graduation, every everything is online. and if it’s not, it almost seems like it didn’t happen. not saying it’s good or bad, just interesting.
I was hoping there’d be a blog about your wedding journey…so thank you!! And I LOVE that you already forgot the date you were married. Just underscores what matters most in a marriage…which has nothing to do with dates on a calendar.
agree! what matters most is the food! just kidding. we have our heads on straight over here. i think getting married in the middle of the crisis all but requires it. thanks for sharing our story. xx
I love, love, love this story, told in your very “Nova” style. It was so much fun to read. Practical or not, it still sounds like a fairy tale. Thank you for sharing and best of life to you and Johan.
thank you! some people have said that our story has elements of a modern fairy tale… that is never what i set out to write, but i will grant you one thing… i am sincerely hoping for a happily ever after.
well, this is just a wonderful story. I am – always have been – delighted for the two of you. I confess to being a bit confused about the whole Johan/Valterri thing…
first of all, thank you!
second, join the club. i often use pseudonyms for people or don’t name them at all so that they have some sense of anonymity if they choose. when i first met valtteri, i didn’t think he’d be a recurring character so i never really gave his name much thought. i went with Johann because that was his middle name… or so i thought. a few months after we started dating, my parents started asking me about Joanne. And I was like, “Who’s joanne?” and they were like, “Your Finnish boyfriend.” and I was like, it’s pronounced Johann and also that’s not his real name. I told valtteri about this thinking he’d get a kick out of it. and he did… but then also asked me why I chose that name. and i was like, “don’t be ridiculous. it’s your middle name.” and he was like, “my middle name is juhanni.” and so, there you have it. like father, like daughter. joanne/johann/juhanni. no one has a clue!
Ohhhh congrats you two!!! Such a beautiful love story!!! 🥰🥰🥰
thank you so much!!!
I love this so so much! BUT am still looking forward to the in-person celebrations which I think your brother is now fully obligated to manage a few more confetti cannons.
ABSOLUTELY! a full party (or two!) are in order. but i will challenge you on one thing: why leave the confetti cannons to someone else? if you want something, you have to go and get it, annie. be the change you want to see in this world. buy a confetti cannon and a ticket to helsinki.
xx
you impetuous kids, you.
I love the drama. “sure, why not”
This was definitely a Nova kind of event, and I’d have been disappointed if it had been any other way.
I wish you both well, live long and prosper, all that cool stuff. (Trying not to sniffle. Failing.)
well… i guess it’s impetuous if you consider visiting one embassy, two magistrates, filing paperwork in two languages and then also scheduling an appointment as somehow less intensive than, say, buying a piece of jewelry and posting a picture of it on Facebook. :D it was quick, yes. and my logic as not traditional, but i wouldn’t say the decision was made without care or thought. regardless, i thank you for the well wishes! and thank you always for following along! xx
I’m so happy for you both, congratulations! You looked lovely, and that has to be one of the best wedding stories I’ve heard. Especially the part about forgetting what day it happened so fast. Time is a funny thing!
I have to ask, how long did it take your brother to clean up the confetti?? lol
ha! yes, time is so weird right now. all the ways we mark time’s passage are kind of out the window… so like, yes, I forgot the date in a matter of days. but also, a day is like a week at least at this point. what is time, really? the calendar is a social construct. 8 is arbitrary.
:) anyway, thank you for the well wishes. next time i talk to my brother i will ask about the confetti cleanup. having seen him set off one at another wedding, i will say 5-10 minutes. it was big pieces, not small glittery kind.
Easily one of my favorite love stories. Full stop.
awww. that’s so sweet. thank you!! easily one of my favorite comments. full stop.
I just love how you are always, 100%, yourself. Your wedding story is brilliantly unique, part practical and part romantic (ADMIT IT!), and I couldn’t love the fact more that you
a) got your husband’s middle name wrong, and
b) got your own wedding date wrong.
Totally on brand.
This wedding story is one for the books!
(Hopefully one for *your* book, some day soon!)
awww – thank you! yes, one for the book! it’ll be in there. thanks for reading and hope you are doing ok as a frontline healthcare worker. xx
Congrats to you both!! So lovely to hear some good news right now. :)
thank you so much!! happy to do it! in fact, would do it again! probably will, actually once we’re allowed out of the house.
And I will be happy to hear all about it!!
Similarly, my now husband and I are not so great with the dates. He booked our wedding pancakes, that he insisted upon, for the Tuesday after our wedding and neither of us caught it. Luckily the pancake makers were able to pivot and bring us wedding pancakes anyway.
ha! i feel you :) i have never heard of wedding pancakes. sounds delicious!!
xx
Wonderful! Best Wishes!
thanks so much!!