Greetings. It is I, the overly enthusiastic, racially ambiguous woman from the roundly-mocked 2019 Peloton ad. You scorned me at the time—for being excited to exercise in my home. For giving prime living room real estate to fitness equipment. For receiving a several thousand-dollar insult from my husband and being downright gleeful about it. But who’s laughing now?
What did you get for Christmas in 2019? Jewelry? A handbag? A trip to Europe in Spring 2020? How’d that work out for you?
Do you remember the ad? The one that was widely-criticized as “sexist” and “dystopian”? The one that caused Peloton to lose $1.5B in market value? The one that people likened to a hostage video?
Well I guess we’re all hostages now! Eleven months into a global pandemic and everyone’s world is feeling a little dystopian. Except mine. Mine is normal. I’m still here, pedaling away the stress. Maintaining my rail-thin frame for a monthly fee of $39. Building back my self-esteem by beating someone named FitCh!k3570 in a race she doesn’t know we’re having.
And you, I understand, are now on the waiting list for a Peloton. It will be 90 days or more until you can reach my level of captive enlightenment. Three months until you can humble brag about owning a bike that goes nowhere. Half a year before you have calves. You may get the vaccine before you get this exercise bike. And that, I believe, is God’s plan.
There are some who still mock me. They say:
A stationary bike is boring!
The Peloton is ugly!
That sounds like a bird!
And I’m not sure how to respond now any more than in 2019. No one’s forcing you to buy the bike. No one is making you take a spin class. It’s possible to not cycle and just shut up about it. You don’t have to steal someone’s joy. We have COVID for that.
While we’re on the subject of things you should shut up about: cyberattacks. I appreciate the sudden concern about my welfare, but I’m not worried about the risk because I am not a top government official. I am a mother of two who works at a marketing firm in the Bay area. The Secret Service said it was fine.
Besides, if someone wants to hack into my home network through a camera, they could just use my phone. Or my laptop. Or my tablet. Or my doorbell. And the same goes for you. So look in the Fitness Mirror and get a life already! If you were really worried about privacy or security, you wouldn’t be spoofing me on TikTok with your iPhone and then WhatsApping it to your friends.
I made my peace with the backlash in 2019, telling myself that people will always criticize that which they don’t have—which in this case would be three thousand dollars and a picture window. I clung to the hope that I would have the chance to correct the record with a prime time Super Bowl ad, selling something cool and fun, like yogurt. I prayed that I could parlay my 15-minutes into a lasting character actress, playing a range of roles such as “Coworker 3” and “Woman in line at movie theater”. Say what you want, but I made an impression with people. I broke through the noise. I booked that gin commercial! My therapist says I should celebrate that.
And now, after all these months, I finally can. I vowed that I would have the last laugh and now I am. Because I’m here on my Peloton and you’re getting served adds for a Bowflex like it is 1984. I have lifetime access to exercise equipment and top-shelf gin and you are pretending you don’t need either. I’m enjoying the ride and all you can do, thanks to a global pandemic, stay at home orders and a severe supply chain disruptions, is watch.
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I love you, Nova. You always know Just What to Say to brighten my day.
glad you liked it. i actually just saw that snl did a sketch on peloton… the pelotaunt and, honestly, i wish i came up with that instead.