Last Thursday, I got an email from a client at 2:27 a.m. It had no subject line and the body simply said: I thought of you immediately.
That message was followed by a link to a Medium article about the 20-year anniversary of Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose while riding a roller coaster.
What can I say, she knows my brand.
By the way, my brand is not geese or Fabio or the absurdity of Fabio killing a goose with his face at a theme park. It is nit-picking my way through a lighthearted blog in pursuit of the truth.
Did he though? Did Fabio kill a goose with his face—an event that was somehow not captured on video despite the fact that the sole purpose of Fabio’s visit was to document his presence? Even if we accept that the entire ride wasn’t filmed because it happened in the year of our lord 2000, then are we still supposed to believe that a goose died at the face of a B-list celebrity and no one even took a picture of the carcass? I mean if Fabio lost his wallet on the Loop-de-Loop, someone would go and get it. But no one’s going to bother to pick up a dead goose?
As a rational adult, I just can’t accept this scenario. And as a former PR person I feel the need to call this what it is: A stunt.
There was no freak mid-air collision. No dead goose. No maimed male supermodel. Just a media team with a plan to produce reams of coverage about a new roller coaster that wouldn’t otherwise make a single headline.
You don’t need a background in public relations to see the problem here. Just a basic understanding of physics will do. I actually don’t even have that, but I am still confident that I’m right. I mean someone show me the math about how a person can travel at such a rate of speed so as to kill a goose but not cause significant, grave injury to one’s face?
Look at this photo. Does this look like someone who just got struck in the head at 80 mph by a large bird? No, it does not. And I don’t even need science to prove it to me because I have common sense and life experience. I once took a mosquito to the eye on a run near a canal and I know what that looked like. I can extrapolate for a goose.
Another part of this equation that we need to talk about is birds. Believe me when I say that I would rather not, but we have to.
My limited knowledge of geese is that they fly as a group. They are the reason we have the saying about flocks and feathers. And that raises some interesting questions, like: Why was this goose on its own? Was it lost? How did it just wander out of formation and into the path of a roller coaster? Am I supposed to believe that a bird in the vicinity of literally hundreds of snack stands ignored all the French fries and funnel cake and just, poof! Up in the air and directly into the face of a margarine spokesperson?
Also, even if we were to assume that a single goose crossed paths with a roller coaster on its own volition, what are the odds that it hits Fabio? I mean sure, sometimes a bird takes down an airplane. That can happen! But if it happens on the day that Fabio is flying the airplane, then I really think we need to stop and think for a minute.
Not to muddy the waters, but something fishy is going on here.
By the by, while we’re on the subject of feathers: WHERE ARE THEY? I’m looking at the photo and I don’t see a single feather. We’re supposed to believe that Fabio bagged a goose and not one piece of that bird sticks around? That goes against literally everything I ever learned from have a down-filled duvet.
And while we’re talking about the picture, take a closer look at the Greek ladies. Those models look pretty chill for a bunch of women who were mere inches away from losing their livelihoods. They look happy even. Is that how you’d look if you just dodged a goose on a roller coaster? I doubt it.
More to the point, why aren’t the girls covered in more blood spatter? After the bird hit Fabio, where did it go? How could it just disappear without leaving a trace? I’ve seen enough episodes of Forensic Files to know that this situation calls for a joke about Skip Palenik. Someone call him. And if he’s not available because he has real work to do, then call Mythbusters. Because someone needs to get to the bottom of this.
So what’s the point of all this, besides that we can all probably use a distraction on this Tuesday, Election Day, the end of times? It’s that we can’t believe everything we read. If it looks like a goose and it sounds like a goose, then don’t let someone tell you it’s a duck.
Stay safe and be smart.
THANK YOU. I thought I was the only one who cared about what truly matters.
you are not alone. never alone.
I remember when old Fabio took one to the face by an alleged goose. I was much younger and less knowledgeable in those days, but I had already seen enough windows hit by birds and a bird running into my car antennae (hamburger meat with feathers) to question a big old honking GOOSE hitting Fabs on the face. I mean the carnage! The dust! The feathers! The beheaded bird that made me think of undercooked hamburgers…… Ah, Fabs what did you agree to?!
thank you for this additional evidence. i submit, for the record, the phrase “hamburger meat with feathers.”
I honestly have never given this much thought. But now that I read it all…..you are totally right.
thank you. glad you see it my way lol :)