“You’ll change your mind. What are you 25? 30? Oh 37. Well you’ll change your mind.”
“Well you never know! People nowadays, they’re having babies at 40, 45. My friend Bethany had a baby and she was 45. She never thought she’d have a baby and then she did. You still have time.”
“There’s always adoption. I bet for you that would be easy, you’re always all over the place. You can just pick one up. No I shouldn’t say that. Don’t put that in your blog.”
“But I’ve seen you talk to kids. You like kids!”
“You were just holding the baby! I saw you. You were smiling!”
“Maybe you just don’t like babies. Babies and kids are different!”
“I think you’d be a great mom!!”
“I think you’d be a good mom!”
“I think you’d be a cool mom.”
“I could see you as a mom.”
“What does your husband think? Do you even have a husband? Well then never mind. You need to do that first.”
“If you think you want them, don’t wait to get married. Just get started. That will fall into place later.”
“How do your parents feel about that? I feel sorry for them.”
“What do his parents think about that? I’ll tell you what, if that was my son, I wouldn’t like it. I mean, it’s his choice, but I wouldn’t like that. No offense.”
“Want my advice? Freeze your eggs. The sooner the better. Just spend the money. When you change your mind, you’ll be glad you have the option.”
“But you can have them if you wanted to? As far as you know? Well that’s good. That makes things easier later.”
“Have you tried? Did you have trouble? A lot of people get discouraged when that happens. But don’t let that stop you. It’ll happen. Just keep trying.”
“Ugh, people like you! You could probably conceive whenever you want. Once a year. You’d probably have twins. Always the ones that don’t want kids that can have them! …No, I didn’t test that theory out. I’m just saying. That’s probably how it is. That’s how it always is.”
“Ugh, and you live in Finland! I bet you get two years of maternity leave or something like that. Three? Oh my god, let me tell Craig. CRAIG! I would kill to have that. You know how much time I got? 8 weeks. And that’s good. You have no idea how good you have it. Have one anyway. CRAIG!”
“I know, you want to “travel.” Well good. Get all that traveling out of your system and then have the baby. Because once you have a baby you won’t be doing much traveling. You can’t put a baby in a suitcase.”
“Lots of people travel with babies!”
“Why? Are you career driven? Wait. Do you even have a career at this point? I’m just asking! But do you?”
“Well you could write a book about a baby! Did you ever think of that?”
“You know what? You would have an awesome mom blog. I can see it. It would be like a mom blog for people who don’t want to be moms.”
“My sister didn’t want kids. She regrets it now. I mean, she never said that. But I can tell. I can tell.”
“My sister didn’t have kids. She seems happy. She’s like you. She likes to travel and she has hobbies, I guess.”
“My sister didn’t have kids but my kids are like her kids. I mean that’s what she thinks.”
“Well I highly recommend it. A mother’s love is like nothing else in this world.”
“Honestly your whole world changes when you have a baby. You have no idea.”
“You wouldn’t be saying that if you had a baby. Everything changes when you have a kid. No one with kids wants a socialist president, that’s for sure.”
“Oh no! Did we scare you?”
“You know the thing people don’t tell you is that you can train kids. I know that sounds bad, like I’m talking about a dog, but it’s true. You can train kids to behave the way you want. So just keep that in mind. You can train them.”
“Hey you know what? That’s a personal decision. I know lots of women feel that way. I’m sorry that people try to talk you out of it—like women are put on this earth just to have babies and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t want to. Not everyone wants to be a mom. I get it.”
If you hear yourself in those comments, then this post is for YOU! It’s a reminder that if someone tells you they don’t want kids, that’s not meant to invite opinions or hash it out. Rather, it’s to save everyone from a long and pointless conversation about biological clocks, square footage and savings plans. We tell you upfront so that we can all move on—not to be told that we don’t know ourselves well enough to make an informed decision.
For the record, I will happily explain why and how I came to that decision, but not everyone should be expected to do the same. Read the room. Recognize that when you say to me, “You would be a great mom!” it comes off as something between a compliment and an attempt to change the subject. That’s fine. But to someone else it’s deeply irritating and condescending. If you don’t know which group the person you’re talking to falls into, don’t say it!
And please, please for the love of all things holy if a woman doesn’t have children and doesn’t bring the subject up herself, then don’t say a peep until she does. Not a comment, not a joke, not a question—nothing. You have no idea what people are going through in their personal lives and whether than involves trying to have children or not. Sometimes not having children isn’t a lifestyle choice and that isn’t your business.
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This post inspired by: Men in Airport Bars Ask: “What Do You Do?” by Diana Spechler. Do yourselves a favor and read the original!
I am 52, child-free by choice and have heard many of these comments in my earlier years.
I love my problem-free life without kids! My guess is that parents are just a little envious…
Oh, and the world definitely doesn’t need another “awesome Mummy blog”. Please.
i KNEW we were kindred spirits. good for you! with your free time and your “hobbies” and your disposable income. no shade on anyone else’s choices but I salute you for choosing what’s best for you :)
Arrgghh I used to hate that too. People talking about the ‘carrying capacity’ of your womb like it’s a Tesco bag, ‘not full yet, but there always time, space, room for something’.
And … ‘but you’d be a great Mum’ How the hell do you know that?
Keep your damn nose out of my reproductive system, literally and figuratively!
Urrgghhhhh
hey hey – sorry you had to log a few comments. the wordpress user experience! thank you for replying though. and i’m sorry you relate. and I agree: KEEP OUT. thank you for reading xx
you so true – damned annoying
thank you!!
Yes; all of these and then some. Has some Italian lady say to my husband (with me standing right next to him) “what good is a wife if she doesn’t give you children?” The world doesn’t need extra babies or mommy blogs. I’m more of a dog person anyway!
OMG. The man of my dreams would say, “oral” and then walk away. People need to stop asking questions with very obvious and well documented answers!
I read the title of this and rolled my eyes so hard, it hurt. The endless litany!!
My favourite is when people find out I don’t want kids, and then proceed to tell me “It’s different when it’s your own kids.”
Okay, I definitely didn’t just say I don’t LIKE kids. I do actually like kids. Other people’s kids. So it being MY kid has nothing to do with it.
Another fun one is when I’m with my parents and we run into someone they know. They’ll ask what I’ve been up to, and once I’ve told them, they’ll tell us how many grandchildren they have. It’s very possible that last time that happened to me, I MAY have responded with “Well, I guess you’re winning!” in my best customer service voice.
HA! “It’s different when it’s your own kids.” First of all, I’m sure it is. Second, WAY TO INSULT THE NEAREST KIDS. Third, What if it’s not??? I’m not going to be the one to test the theory.
Also love the, “I wasn’t sure I wanted them, but I’m so glad I have them.” Respect. Glad that worked out. Not a chance I’m willing to take. All the best!
Brilliant post! I don’t have kids and I did spend several years trying. However now I’m glad I didn’t get my wish! I don’t get too much comment, all my old aunties have given up, thank goodness. I’ve had a very rich life and I don’t need people to feel pity for me. The most infuriating comment I had was from a woman who said I wasn’t entitled to have an opinion on New Zealand’s anti-smacking legislation (for children) because I don’t have my own kids!
I know. So many things I’m not allowed to have an opinion on, or that my opinion is considered less than, because I don’t have children: the environment (no one cares until they have to pass the world on!) sexism (it wasn’t until i had my daughter…) ANY hot button issue (you’ll change your mind when you have kids. you’ll see.) Goes without saying the real irony is that everyone else seems to think that they can still have a position on my personal decision :D
Oh yeah. I view kids the way I do dogs: you have them, good for you. Not everyone wants needs or likes dogs, horses, kids.
I was an only, as was my husband. We would be absolutely clueless about babies, and I had zero interest in the joys of pregnancy, childbirth, home delivery (which always sounded like UPS would arrive with a bundle…), and all the other fun things babies give you.
I heard all the same stories, too. “you will be SO sorry you didn’t…” (this from a mother who had three kids under the age of four). “You just wait. You can always adopt, and then vooom! right outta the chute”. My mother being coy: “well I don’t have any grandchildren…yet…” (she was one of the reasons)
I’m now 74, and I have zero regrets about any of it. Except that I’m now 74. That I could do without. =)
You have a life, lady, and a fine one. I often envy (in a nice way) your energy, your travel skills, your courage. And no I can’t see you as a Mom. An Aunt, yes. But not a mother.
I LOVE other people’s kids. They go home with mommy and daddy.
yes, i need kids like i need a horse. glad you stuck by what you wanted… even happier to hear that you have no regrets. i do have to ask, at 74 do people finally stop asking :D?
ahaha . Good point. Now they ask if Im a granny yet. (shakes head. whimpers.) Or they get this sad face (you know the one) and change the subject.
Know what annoys me beyond belief? When you go somewhere where the new baby is being admired, and often passed around for cuddles–and as you reach to take the baby someone lifts him out of your hands, either because you “have no idea how to hold a baby” or as a protective device, to keep you from feeling the searing loss of not having your own. “it’s okay”, she says, whisking the baby away, ‘I got him.”
The only regret I do have is that by now it would be nice to have had big strong sons and/or daughters with big strong children, who LOVE helping granny get the wood in, or clean the chimneys, or mow the lawn…but these days, they will all have moved away, maybe to Ohio, and are utterly no help at all.
Ha! yes, yes. My mother once said that to me when I was babysitting my nephew (who was maybe 9 months at the time). She said, “You know when the baby’s crying you have to pick him up.” ???? I was like, “How many times?” She did not appreciate that. At some point that weekend, I sent her an email saying that everyone was fine; that he was just sitting on a stool playing with a candle. I’m sure she loved that.
He’s just playing with a candle! I love it! I went to my then boyfriend’s (now hubby) house and there was a baby all strapped in its car seat in the middle of the living room floor and he was in the other room When I asked he said so and so asked him to babysit. That person must have been desperate. Anyway, the baby was content there so I, too, just left it.
I have been trying to have a baby for 10 years. I’m 38, married for 10 years to my highschool sweetheart. This year we are starting the procedures to adopt, but it’s hard to let go of the dream of having our born children, when for 10 years I spent every month hoping to be pregnant. I am the first one in the friends’ group who began trying for a baby at 28; nobody else did. Now everybody around has kids and we don’t. Me and my husband have been madly in love since 8th grade = for 25 years, and it breaks our heart not being able to have children.
hi – thanks for sharing. i’m really sorry about your situation and i wish you all the best as you keep trying and explore adoption. it’s stories like yours that make me want to educate people to not ask personal questions. it is one thing to make a choice and have to explain it time after time to people who just want you to change your mind. it’s quite another to relive the heartbreak. xx.
Lord yes, no one knows what to make of a childless woman. I get the same crap about my choice to be single too. People just can’t believe you could truly want something different in life than what they want. “How could you not want a husband OR children?! I love those things!” It must be that I haven’t thought about it, or that I really did want it but somehow failed to get it. Really it was a very considered and intentional choice after thoroughly trying out the alternatives.
Some day they’ll get it. Or they won’t. Either way I’ll be over here living my best life, doing literally whatever I want at all times. I’m glad you’re doing the same 🙌🏻
I hear you. Sometimes I want to point out that I’ve actually thought about this pretty carefully. As a woman with no children and a flexible work schedule, I have LOADS of free time to figure myself out. Meanwhile, 99% of people I know claim to be too busy to sleep. First, well I got this one, so no worries. And second, not having to sleep is not exactly a ringing endorsement.
I have two kids, and can STILL relate… to the blog comment.
“Don’t put that in the blog!” is as much fun as “hey, my friend/kid/sig other said this funny thing! THERE put that in your blog!”
Gah! That’s not how inspiration works! Except when it is. Which is to say I basically have no control over my own creativity and everyone who interacts with me should just mind their manners (and I did blog once about accidentally almost coming home with a baby from a trip to Korea, which is not a concept someone even had to suggest, my own brain just made it up … it’s kind of a long story and I’m sorry to hijack your comments when I’m not even talking about the right content).
Sorry you’ve had to deal with this. An (old enough to be an empty nester) friend of mine, when asked if she and her husband have kids says “no, we forgot.”
I know, i know! Don’t put that in the blog. Put that in the blog. Give me a break. (One of the things i actually really love about Johann is that he doesn’t care about the blog. Never delivers lines for the blog. Never tries to correct the record. He reads the posts eventually but he’s not #1 super fan. After dating some men who want their taste of the spotlight… spotlight being a humor blog with MAYBE 90 visitors on a good day… it’s quite refreshing.) Anyway, if you haven’t read the post I linked to at the end :) Just one long list of men telling a professional writer that she needs something better to write about (them).
Ya, no kids AND we forgot to get married. It confuses a lot of people, but after 30 years together I think we are doing OK. I never really had kids on the radar, no big reason, just not there. I can’t remember ever explaining to anyone why, I just said that I don’t have children and left it hanging. I absolutely love being the indulgent auntie and quite enjoy myself around kids. Then I get to go home and be my own quiet self.
Ha! It’s possible that I will also forget to get married! (If we lived in the same country, I probably would. But I think the EU has something to say about that). Anyway, I’m glad you never really got stuck in this loop like the other commenters. We will take it as proof positive that it’s possible to just “leave it hanging” and move on :)
Thank you so much for this post. I’m 41 and don’t have kids, I’ve gotten similar comments for years. It’s like my decision not to procreate somehow affects their lives directly and they feel it’s their place to tell me how wrong I am about my life choices. Let it go, people!
xx. like the last quote, i’m sorry you’ve been made to feel that way. (sometimes people ask me if this is your choice then why does it bother you so much? and i say, why does it bother YOU so much? let it go, indeed.)
Right on!
I only get these comments from people who don’t know me. It’s strange how many of those people who tell me I’ll change my mind someday… are people… YOUNGER THAN ME. (I’m 36.)
I don’t even *like* kids, why are people trying to tell me I’ll want them anyway?
Honestly, I wonder if that line ever worked? If someone came back, years later, and was like, you were right. I changed my mind.
I guess it’s not out of the question. Unlike a lot of people commenting, I always assumed I would have children. that was true through all of my 20s. It wasn’t until i hit 30 that i reconsidered. And then in my my mid-thirties i was full-on not having them. So I suppose it’s possible to change your mind twice. Telling people this is what usually prompts a comment about freezing my eggs. Many also liked to point out in my early 30s that my decision was pretty convenient considering I was single with no prospects. And that’s a whole other can of worms… you can decide to have or not have children with your partner or on your own. A lot of people don’t know that about decisions – that anyone can make them!
A whole lot of kindred spirits here! Yep, heard all these and a couple of other doozies: Mother in Law offered to raise said child if we would just have it, and a woman I knew who worked as a counselor said we should have one “just for the experience.”
52 and childless, unless you count cats and we do cuz who doesn’t love grand kitties?!
your mother in law sounds fun. throw a party with her and the counselor. i’ll come and take notes.
one other thing I was thinking about, reading over these wonderful comments: people who tell you you should have kids–I think they’re jealous, many of them; you have a freedom they will never have.
you can pack a bag without having to include three pacifiers, 2 dozen diapers, and extra formula: you never have to travel with a child unless you want to, or hunt up a new baby sitter because your old one got married, you will never have to deal with tantrums, or spitups in a restaurant, screaming children, kids that bite, or panic visits to the pediatrician because the three year old might have swallowed something but won’t tell you what.
And at the end of a visit, you get to give the 7 year old back to mom.
I think they’re jealous, just a teeny bit…
Not quite the same, but it extends to grandchildren as well. I seem to have become something of a pariah among my friends who have grandchildren because I don’t have them and that I’m OK with it. My 2 kids have both decided not to procreate. That is their decision and I respect it completely. It’s really tiresome trying to explain it, so now I say that there are already too many people here. Ugh. People just need to mind their own business.
THANK YOU! This resonates in my core. So many condescending conversations on whether people think my husband and I just aren’t “ready” or maybe need better jobs. Blah. I have two main reasons and I’ll tell you: I have Lupus so I’m immediately high risk, AND I have absolutely no biological need. That’s all there is to it!
Girls.. you have it easy… I have one child and everyone is asking why I don’t have another one… believe me, it’s even more annoying..
Yes, that’s the point! none, one, ten – no one should be asking or commenting. it’s a personal decision or sometimes out of your control. From my perspective, anyone who has made an active choice and is living through that choice “has it easy.” It’s the women who desperately want something that can’t seem to happen for whatever reason that I have the most sympathy for.