Welcome to JFK airport where everyone is flying for the first time, every time! We shout instructions at you BECAUSE WE CARE and also because none of you can read! Or listen! Or use common sense!
Our security lines are long, sometimes hours long, and yet when most people get to the conveyor belts, they look around helplessly: What next?
We told you. Many times.
- Remove shoes, jackets, hats, sunglasses, scarves and bulky outerwear
- Place your laptop in a bin by itself
- Remove any liquids from your carry on luggage and place in a clear, sealed plastic bag
- Place luggage and shoes directly on the conveyor belt; everything else in a bin
We wrote it down. We drew it in pictures. We even made a video. We asked you politely and now we are begging: Just try.
We are yelling because it’s the only way you listen. You missed the signs. You ignored the instructional video playing on a loop. You disregarded my fellow TSA agents reciting an abbreviated version of those instructions like they were trying out for a cheerleading squad. You couldn’t even bother to watch the business travelers ahead of you demonstrate the proper procedure.
And that is why we are getting testy. Because we told you and we showed you and we cannot believe that you are still pulling this shit—leaving laptops in your suitcase and your cell phones in your pocket and then trying to skip through the scanner. We looked you straight in the eye and said, “Place your shoes directly onto the conveyor belt,” and then watched you put them in a bin. We told you for DECADES not to bring liquids greater than 3.4 fluid ounces through the checkpoint and yet you still try to negotiate the transfer of a 20oz Dasani because you “bought it here! At the Au Bon Pain!” We are dignifying the question, “Is this a liquid?” while you are holding a pair of pants. Pants!
People might say that we should have more patience. That this is all “part of the job.” But we are here to tell you NO. It is not our job to offer a second-grade science lesson on the three forms of matter. If you can buy a plane ticket, then you can learn what a liquid is. And if that’s too much then you need to at least know what a liquid isn’t. Namely, pants. Pants are not a liquid! Socks are not a liquid! If it goes into the freezer and just comes out colder, then it is not a liquid!
Another thing: Metal. Metal is what sets off the metal detector. It is very possible that you have metal on your body right now! This is another thing that we should not have to explain, but often do. For example, your wrist watch may be metal. Your belt likely has metal. A pocket knife is definitely metal. Loose change is… say it with me now: METAL.
I’m sorry, am I talking down to you? Do you know what metal is? Good! Then stop playing Russian Roulette with our metal detectors. We don’t have time for that! Take all your shiny things and put them in a dish and send them through the machine like we told you to. All of them! Yes, even your jewelry. We don’t give a shit how valuable it is or that it never leaves your body. Take it off and put it somewhere safe. Do this before you get to the start of the line… like in your home because honestly, there is nothing more annoying than listening to someone tell you that an engagement ring costs more than your annual salary.
You might ask, Why are you so rude? Don’t you know that most people don’t fly every day and that maybe we don’t know the rules? Yeah, we do! That’s why we post those rules all over the place. That’s why we made signs and videos and graphics. If you took your headphones, you would hear that we are playing announcements every 90 seconds. We are chanting them like a bunch of Wiccans trying to summon the goddess of patience.
Let us ask you a question, dear passenger: How can we possibly communicate these rules in a way that you will understand? What is it going to take to get you to try? Live demonstrations? A musical? FINES?!
Well they don’t yell like this in Salt Lake City, you might reply. And that’s really great. Good for Salt Lake City. We hear it’s nice. But we are not in Utah. We are in Queens. We have 61 million people coming through this facility every year and our airport was designed in 1948. Most of the water fountains don’t work and there is a single ATM that sometimes runs out of money. We have bigger things to worry about than making sure you know the 3.4 fluid ounce rule and how to handle lithium batteries. We did not suffer through a commute on the E train to field questions about pants. We are just trying to keep planes in the air. That’s it. That’s our job. We need you to do your part too: take your shoes off; keep your pants on; drink your water and pay attention. When you start listening, we’ll stop yelling.
Like this blog? Want to receive weekly posts delivered straight to your inbox? Send an email to mousesnaps@gmail.com with the subject line “subscribe” and I’ll add you to the mailing list.
Laughing out loud at this one! And hopefully I can remember and laugh on my next flight instead of cringe and look around for a stupid stick to whack people with.
:) i imagine the TSA agents would welcome that! thanks for reading!! xx
Took my mom on a trip to Denmark and Finland last summer. When we were in line for security, she took out her liquids, including full-sized bottles of shampoo and conditioner … then again she has memory issues, so it’s a little like flying with a toddler sometimes. She asks me quite frequently why I don’t take her on more trips, bless her heart. On that trip, she told some people at the gate we were going to Norway. No, mom.
Aw – bless her heart indeed. A line that got cut from the original was that agents DO have patience for some travelers: children; the elderly; people with special needs; to some extent foreigners – although that is more like special allowance as opposed to true patience. Anyway – nothing against your mom. Its the people who should really know better that are the biggest offenders!
Oh, no offense taken. Everyone’s generally really nice to her. I’m a lot more likely to get annoyed with her in the security line than any agent! We’ve also traveled with toddlers, and I know what kind of sweaty, awful job that is. I’m always on the lookout for the mom or dad who need help with little ones and their gear. I can’t even with other, supposedly fully-functioning adults, though … Last trip through the security line I kept hearing this guy’s bag buzzing. I was waiting to see what the TSA agents had to say about that, when it finally occurred to him his bag wasn’t supposed to be buzzing and maybe he should check it out. He sheepishly pulled out an electric toothbrush which had somehow turned on.
I do agree that some people just don’t get it. I try to be as ready as possible, but have been stopped occasionally. Once I was told that I had too many keys on my key ring (5), and another time I was asked what my sandals were made from and how they were constructed (no alarms for either). I was very confused but managed to give the right answers – whew. Different airports, different focus.
OK so I will admit the keys are a little strange. I’ve only heard of a rule for the number of keys when visiting someone in prison, not going through security at the airport. Odd. Wonder if it’s for the same reason? :D In any case, I don’t think anyone expects perfection, just that you try. That you read the signs and try. That you listen to instructions and try. That you think about what pants are made of and try.
Thanks for reading!
Last time I flew a gentleman tried to sneak in 2 apple juice boxes in a plastic bag. (No children around, mind you.) He was devastated he wasn’t able to bring them through.
LOL. I am waiting for the backlash on this post… Mr. Applejuice is about to show up and school me on all the reasons why he NEEDS THOSE SPECIFIC JUICE BOXES and not a similar option available for purchase after security. To some extent, I have sympathy. The rule is a drag. But it’s been decades. Accept it and move on. Drink your juice at home. thanks for reading!
Is this your blog or your job application – bet every TSA employee is cheering you right now :)
Last flight I took to LA a 20 something spent 15 minute arguing why she HAD to take 15kgs (or it looked that way) of make-up on the plane with her. Enough spray tan to keep Donald Trump in tangerine for a year. It started off funny and then she just needed a slap!
OMG. My peer group is often the worst. Young women with no children seem to have no idea what they “need”. I would have lost it. Bless you and the TSA agents. You’re doing the lord’s work.
It used to be so simple. Buy a ticket, show up, wait for your plane, hug everyone goodbye, and the nice lady shows you to your seat.
Then again, simple doesn’t work anymore. People have gotten complicated, and political, and nervous, and you can’t blame an airline for wanting to keep you moving so that the three thousand people behind you can inch forward…
I think I’ll drive.
AMEN! Don’t even get me started on what those “nice ladies on the plane” have to put up with. God bless. Safe travels, no matter how you go!
Busted out heartily at “like Wiccans trying to summon the goddess of patience.” Good one. I did enjoy my recent trip through SFO. The Harvey Milk terminal is really nice. No one yelled. People seemed only slightly clueless.
Metal. It’s what’s detected. Love your blog.
Good to hear! Haven’t been thru SFO in a very long time… or to the west coast for that matter. I will put in on my “pleasant fly” list should i ever need a layover with the least resistance.
Hahaha! HILARIOUS!
Nova, this needs to be published in major business travel magazines. People would enjoy it.
And do you know these boring airline magazines with the Rolex ads and the “discover the real Prag” articles? THIS post should be in there! Finally something genuinely interesting and funny!
Also, you should send this to the national media head of TSA, Jenny (!) Burke. I’m convinced the TSA would love it.
Ha! Well thank you for the vote of confidence. I would happily publish but I doubt it would happen… I mean, more than half the plane are the ones on blast :) I have noticed that the people who try to smuggle apple sauce onto a 747 are generally not known to have a good sense of humor. But yeah… would LOVE to let it live somewhere. And in the meantime, if the TSA agents see it, I hope they feel appreciated. We are a difficult bunch. In solidarity!
Question: If one of my pants’ pockets contains a mouthful of partially chewed pretzels, should I give the whole wad back to my toddler until we get through security or just claim ignorance during the TSA pat-down?
HAHA. Oh children. God bless. I am out of my depth on that one. If it was half a mini bottle of vodka or a cream eye shadow, I’d have advice for you. But not on this one. Thanks for reading!
“MUST TO”? Must to I remove these items?
OMG. That is amazing… and I did not notice that. Hope whoever made that graphic didn’t print and post it :)
GOLD.