About a week ago, I got a message from SurveyMonkey reminding me of my crushing defeat to Johann in last year’s Gingerbread Bakeoff.
“Happy 12-month survey anniversary!” the message began. “It’s been one year since you’ve sent your survey, Gingerbread Bake Off. Curious if anything has changed since then?”
I’m not, actually. As is often the case when one loses a contest unexpectedly. Spare me the humiliation of reliving my defeat, SurveyMonkey.
Don’t get me wrong: I didn’t expect to win on talent. I knew that my construction skills would not measure up to a man who designs and builds his own furniture. I understood that I, a marketing professional, would not triumph over an architecture student and lifelong appreciator of Finnish design. I recognize my weaknesses: my lack of precision and cloudy vision and a child-like affinity for color.
But still. It’s just that I assumed everyone liked me more! My house might not have been prettier, but don’t I get points for being me? Don’t I automatically win by popularity? Dear reader, have you no loyalty? I’m the one who writes the blog week after week—not Johann. He just shows up every now and then and delivers a zinger about a tram. His lines aren’t even all that funny. It’s the timing that gets the laugh. And guess what: I’m the one controlling the timing!
And yet he wins. At the Gingerbread Bake off and everything else. That is the moral of every story. He cruises through life on his Nordic good looks and a full head of hair while I make a faux stucco façade out of crushed walnuts, negotiate a dinner bill in Greece, save the cat from a badger and do verbal gymnastics on top of it.
Who’s surprised? That’s the stunning mediocrity of men. And you should all be ashamed of yourselves for buying into it!
Well not all of you. I got 12 votes last year. And SurveyMonkey leaves open the possibility that the other 24 could change.
“You can add a ton of value to your results by re-sending your survey,” the message continues. “Check in with your respondents, test your previous findings, and collect even better answers this time around.”
Yes, “even better answers.” Correct answers, some might say. Ones that recognize the total contribution to contest. Namely the development of the survey. The taking of the photos. The writing of the post. THE CREATION OF A WEEKLY BLOG IN WHICH I ROUTINELY HUMILIATE MYSELF AND SAVE YOU FROM THE SAME FATE.
I suffer for my art. The least you can do is agree with me when I ask you a question, such as “Which house is cuter?” or “Does this shirt look better backwards?” I don’t want honesty and objectivity. I expect support!
“Resend the survey,” indeed. I’m not falling for that! It’s not the previous findings that need testing. It’s the subjects. That’s you, by the way. Or, more accurately, 24 of you. So help me god if I ever find out how to match IP addresses to names because then I will know which of you have slighted me and I will personally block your access to this site until you clear your cookies and vote again. The right way.
How’s that for Christmas spirit?
I bet some of you are glad those votes are anonymous–that I don’t know who specifically prefers the work of Johann to my own. Except that in some cases I do know: Sherry. Thank you for leaving a comment on last year’s post explaining that you chose Johann’s house because it would be “easier to eat.” Like anyone’s ever done that before! It’s made out of the worst goddamn cookie on the market, glued together with high-fructose corn syrup and topped with peppermint. You know what, Sherry? Put your money where your mouth is. Come eat this house that’s been sitting around collecting dust for a week in an attic apartment. We’ll leave the light on for you.
Or Janet. Janet can’t stand gumdrops, so she gave her vote to Johann. Good to know, Janet! I’ll keep that in mind for future houses. I appreciate that you never miss a post. Very interesting indeed. It would be a shame if you somehow dropped from the mailing list.
Then there is Paula. Paula Paula Paula. I don’t think Paula understood the question because she based her vote on trees, which are neither gingerbread nor house. So there’s that. She did give me points for the writing, which I appreciate. Even still she voted for Johann… this despite the fact that she is actually related to the third competitor in the survey, Saint Rena, by blood! No loyalty, I tell you. NONE.
I am teasing, of course. 100%. This is all in good fun and I hope that Sherry, Janet and Paula understand that most of all. Because I appreciate your reading—and I am glad Johann got your votes. Because his trees and his door and his stupid cookie logs really were adorable. (Still not edible, Sherry, but adorable. I’ll grant you that.) Besides after being the subject of more than a few jokes over the past year, I can see how Johann would get some sympathy votes. Who doesn’t want to throw their support his way every chance they get? He deserves it.
That makes me wonder, actually: Is Johann your favorite character? Perhaps SurveyMonkey can help me figure it out. As we head into the new year, I’m wondering who and what you, the reader, might like to see more of. Take this year’s survey:
[Email subscribers, if you don’t see the survey below, take it here. Or if you want to see survey results after you are done, take it here. Otherwise, use the form below!]
I didn’t even realize that Rena was in the gingerbread contest! Either that or I forgot. I don’t think it would have changed my vote though. Your comments notwithstanding, I just LOVED those trees! However I did give a nod to my genes by voting for Tom (his kids are related to me after all!) Not really. I actually do think Tom is the best character. After you, of course. Or is that more genetic bias? As the aunt of my great nephews, we are in the same family tree somehow. : )
HA! oh this is classic. did i start something? I hope I started something. Wait for me to get there before you guys “discuss” it.
Just kidding. Saint Rena would NEVER.
But seriously, thank you for reading and taking the joke. I agree with you on the trees and also that Tom is underrated. I think if i had more time with him, I could really flesh that character out. And I’m sure he’d LOVE that.
I’ll tell you who is a character waiting to happen though: GUS. That kid is out of control. And cute. And smart. Smart enough to play dumb. A little man after my heart.
Hope I get to see you soon… until then, catch you online! xx
At the risk of losing my internet privileges and being banned for life from the “Advice I Needed Yesterday” blog, I’ll admit it: I voted for Johann.
The thing is, we all feel sorry for him. The embarrassment of explaining a lost mop to a neighbour, transporting a large-screen TV on a tram through the middle of Helsinki, eating four fish dinners in Greece – the list is endless. And we suffer with him. His votes are hard-earned and well-deserved.
On the bright side, at least he was spared the Snoopy Bag Ordeal. I think he’s learning.
Ha! Well I understand. I don’t agree with you, but I understand. :D
I was going to argue that two out of three of the examples you point out – the TV and the fish dinners – were really more his doing than mine. Johann makes a mess as well as a I do. HOWEVER. The difference between us is that only one of us broadcasts those missteps. And for that Johann deserves all the sympathy in the world. He puts up with a lot in the moment, and then has to relive it too.
But I will remind you, however gently, that he signed up for this. The day I met him, he said he would take me ice swimming knowing full well I was just looking for a blog post. Once you set that tone… can’t change the terms :)
As always, thanks for reading!! xx
“…worst goddamn cookie on the market…” I got to work early and was reading this with a coffee, when the first of my co-workers came in just in time for me to snort with laughter loudly into the silence over that line. You’re in charge of the timing, indeed!
HA! The truth will set you free. This in the form of a coffee snort.Thank you for reading xx Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!!
LOL! I’m guessing I’m Sherry and yes, I do eat gingerbread houses. I pick off the candy pieces one at a time and never really finish it by eating the walls (in which case your’s was a tea tin). Also the icing sticks to some of the candies and makes them extra special. Looking back at Johann’s, did he use cinnamon sticks as the logs? If so, I would not absolutely eat those but would use them in my tea as a stir stick. As always I enjoy your posts and I hope you have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hi! Yes, you are the Sherry. Thank you for taking the joke. How you eat gingerbread houses is your business, i suppose. Though I will say my walls were still cookie, just propped up by the tea box. Johann’s were not cinammon sticks but cookie logs. Still could be a stir stick. But again, thank you for reading and being part of the fun. xx
Wow love the gingerbread house. That’s way better than the regular ones you see.
I have used SurveyMonkey a few times, it’s really good, but not used for a good while.
thank you! we try! that was a one and done activity in my book. having made those, i do appreciate how difficult they are to make neatly. thanks for reading – hope you had a good holiday!
Okay, first of all, I totally would have voted for yours. Sure, Johann’s might be more classically beautiful, but yours? Yours has character. Yours is memorable. I like that if I lived in yours, I would never stop discovering weird little things about it. In Johann’s everything would have a place and it would be clear where that place is and why. Psh. Where’s the fun in that?
THANK YOU. Ironically, what you have described about the interior – the quirkiness and discovery and all that is Johann, not me. I am a minimalist and everything has its place until I throw it out. It is not very fun of me, but it how I choose to live. But, I will take the compliment, thank you kindly and continue to build the most memorable of houses.