A few years ago, I wrote a post called “You Really Can’t Have It All.” In it, I gave myself permission to prioritize and plan against the goals that would fulfil me personally, as opposed to meeting society’s expectations. I encouraged other women to do the same, and to be honest during the process because, as the title suggests, you really can’t have it all.
This didn’t seem like a particularly unique point of view, nor did the premise appear controversial. But apparently I was wrong. I got several messages from women, mostly from my professional past, letting me know that it is possible to have it all and I need look no further than them for proof. They weren’t being snide or arrogant, mind you, they just challenged my assumption and let me know that they found it somewhat offensive. Some of them even offered me a quick pep talk—a reminder that with enough energy and effort I, too, could have it all.
I wasn’t quite buying it. Not that I doubted these women had checked a lot of boxes—they had. But I didn’t think they managed to do it all at once. The point I made in the article wasn’t that women could only hope to accomplish one or two goals in life, it’s that we need to be honest about how much we can realistically do at any given time. Priorities change, which means that it is possible to rack up the accomplishments… but it’s not possible to have it all, at least not all at once. That’s not a criticism, it’s just the truth. I haven’t met a woman among us, myself included, who doesn’t feel that she is neglecting something important, be it her personal life, her career, her health or just some fun.
Perhaps, if these other women and I had sat down and wrote the piece together, that idea would have come through more clearly. Maybe we could have even met in the middle and agreed to call the post something like, “You really can have it all… eventually.”
This is all neither here nor there because I’ve evolved my thinking on this topic, or at least found a better metaphor: Work-Life Jenga. This comes courtesy of Stacey Abrams in her book, Lead from the Outside.
Most of us have played the game, so we don’t need much in the way of explanation. Work-Life Jenga is exactly what it sounds like: you start with a pile of blocks, build a tower and then methodically extract and stack the blocks to see how far you can go… except, in this case, the pieces represent every aspect of life: career, family, friends, hobbies, health, exercise, you name it.
The thing that works particularly well in this metaphor is that it acknowledges that you can make many, many moves and still manage to keep the balance. But, at the same time, you must choose those moves wisely. Time, planning and thoughtfulness contribute to success. If you want to pull the “family” block, it might make moving the “career” block that much harder, or even outright impossible.
Unlike my “You really can’t have it all,” concept which apparently came off as a “one and done” approach to life, Work-Life Jenga captures the a long-game strategy. It’s possible to successfully build across a variety of categories and still keep the tower up. But you must somehow manage to take it one step at a time, while also thinking several steps ahead. Easier said than done, of course.
That leads me to the other thing I like about this metaphor: Jenga is not a single-player game. Neither is life. So much of our success depends on what the people around us do, whether they help us achieve our goals or make the path even harder. As we all know, some people play Jenga cooperatively, working together as a team to build the highest possible tower just for mutual kicks. And then there are others, the ones who try to force an error, simply to be declared the winner.
For a lot of us, it might feel like we’re playing Jenga with a bunch of jerks. People who are only looking out for their own interests instead of working toward a common goal. They are deliberately setting you back in hopes of getting further ahead. There are people who will set you up to lose simply for the entertainment. And sadly, we’ve all met them.
Stacey Abrams, by the way, doesn’t actually say any of that in her book. Per usual, I’m extrapolating. And I don’t think she’d mind me doing so. Nor do I think she’d mind me saying that Work-Life Jenga isn’t exactly fair because it assumes that all people start with the same set of blocks and the same building conditions. That’s not true. And if you read the entire book, you too will probably be apt to point that out.
The only other downside to the Jenga metaphor is that there’s no real way to “win” Jenga. Every game ends with a crash—unless someone with far better physics skills has calculated the maximum number of moves physically possible using a standard set of blocks and we’re working against that number as a “win”. But winning that way is as impractical as it is pointless. After all there are some blocks not worth moving. There comes a point, even if we achieve massive success, that continuing to build is just an empty gesture. I mean, look at Jeff Bezos and his space colony.
But the nice thing about metaphors is that they allow us to bend the rules. Let’s assume that in Work-Life Jenga, it’s possible to build forever, or at least repair and rebuild as needed. In this game, you can keep making moves, changing course as you please, so long as there’s time on the clock. This, I will admit, is a way more positive and much-improved version of “You really can’t have it all.” And that’s something we can all (hopefully) agree on.
I have certainly played that game! Great metaphor.
I know – love it too. :) Thanks for reading.
I like this idea. Women are multitaskers but that doesn’t mean we can do it all equally well. Balance is the hardest part of life for me. I’m forever neglecting my workouts for work, and when I lived in the US my social life suffered because of work as well. It’s a tight rope balance act, just like Jenga. Now, however, I never neglect the fun part of my life!
I know! I’m constantly going back and forth between prioritising work (in the traditional sense) just for financial gain and prioritising work (in the personal/writing sense) for the sake of fulfilment. For me, I just never seem to have enough time and energy to get to it all. But here’s to trying! as always, thanks for reading!
Yes to all of this. I think we also need to discuss what “it all” is, and the fact that that means something different to every person. For some, it’s marriage, kids, house, and career. For others, it’s travel, friends, and volunteer work. There are endless combinations of “it all,” but you’re totally right: They all require skillful balance.
Exactly! And that’s what I was trying to say in my first post… that you don’t have to prioritise anything you don’t want to and that you’re not being selfish or stupid for setting aside what you have in favour of pursuing what you want. And that’s not just a way to justify my leaving a job to travel… I say it also with friends in mind who are just killing it with their careers but really want a family but don’t have time to date, much less have a baby. The point is, if you know what you want, you have to make time for it. And if you don’t know what you want, you have to take time to figure it out instead of just taking cues from everyone else. As always, thanks for reading. Appreciate it!!
Thank you for pointing that out, Emelie. My path is less traditional. No kids. (A few dogs though…) And since I don’t have kids, I feel like I should be able to fit in all those other things…. travel, volunteer, friends… It still requires JENGA!
100%
While there are still plenty of people on the “traditional” path, I find it’s becoming less and less common… and less expected. I’m happy about that. Life has never been a “one-size-fits-all” adventure and I think it’s time we stop acting like it. People of all ages still offer mildly condescending comments about how I’ll “change my mind” or “just need to find the right person”… but they’re becoming more few and far between. And I don’t think that’s just because they’re sick of trying or recognise my age. I think they’re hearing “No, that’s not my plan,” in clear terms from a a variety of people and they’re just coming around to the idea that their version of the future does not apply to anyone else. Cheers to taking your own path… especially one with dogs!!
I can’t find the link to join Jeff Bezos’ space colony and I’m worried that might hinder my chances of living there. I’m pretty sure I was born yanking out the bottom pieces of my Jenga, so I’ve been playing 52-block pick-up my whole life, which explains a lot.
If he runs his space colony anything like his warehouses, I wouldn’t want to be there… no matter how cool the prospect may be. :) Thanks for reading.