For women, there is no faster way to friendship than seeing someone out and about wearing the same outfit—the more basic, mass-produced the better. Because to us, noticing another person in the exact same H&M sundress or ZARA romper isn’t a fashion faux pas, it’s an endorsement. We lock eyes from across the room and nod silently. Here is a woman with style and sense, a budget and a vision. She gets it. So she must get me too. We’re fashion friends!
This happened to me last weekend. I was sitting on the beach in Lido and noticed a woman wearing the same Calzedonia bathing suit as me. The line is mix-n-match, but she had chosen the exact same options as me: a criss-cross top with basic bikini bottoms. She noticed too and we smiled, sending mental high fives across several towels.
About an hour later, when she got up to apply more sunscreen just as Johann was just about to crack open a bottle of wine, I shouted in her general direction, “DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK WITH US?”
Johann did a double take. “Who are you talking to?” he asked. I motioned to the woman, who was now smiling and waving at both of us.
“THANKS!” she yelled back. “That’s so nice!”
Johann, completed confused now, looked back and forth between us. “Who’s that?” he asked. “Do you know her?”
I shrugged. “We have the same bathing suit.”
Even behind his sunglasses, I could see the look in his eyes – a look that said, “AND?” Fashion friends is something that men will never understand. To them, sharing a bathing suit is nothing more than a coincidence. But to us, it’s a conversation starter. A building block. The foundation for friendship.
“She’s American,” I added. That’s worth something too. I heard the woman speaking English on her cell phone not long before. Like any good American, she was shouting—which is another thing we have in common.
Johann remained unimpressed, but I just waved him off. When you travel, this is how it goes. You find a person who looks the part and give it a shot. You start from common ground – clothes, drink orders, matching carryons – and then compare notes on languages, locations and occupations. When you’re away from home, you’re eager to find the overlap. You focus on the similarities more than the differences. You appreciate the person in the moment instead of thinking ahead a year or two, wondering, Will this person fit in at my Christmas party?
The woman Johann and I met last weekend was perfectly nice. We quickly moved on from our bathing suits to discuss other equally basic things: where she was from (the Midwest); what she was doing in Venice (studying for her master’s degree); and how she liked it (loved it). In fact, this woman loved Italy so much that she was in the process of for claiming citizenship through distant relatives.
“It’s all true,” she assured us, of her grandfather on one side and some cousins in Sicily. “All the documents are real.”
Johann and I nodded. I believed her; I also didn’t exactly care if she was lying.
“I have the appointment at the consulate in July,” she said. “But that doesn’t guarantee anything. I have all my paperwork ready and all that, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get it.”
It was then I realized that this woman and I had more than bathing suits and a love of shouting in common. We also have anxiety! She, much like myself, is the kind of person who dots every I and crosses every T months in advance, and then spends the remaining time convincing her that she missed a Q. There was no real reason to believe her plan wasn’t going to work, but she was already plotting a second and a third, just in case: an appeal, a work-around, a notary public with questionable morals and long hours!
“Look,” I said. “I don’t know much about that process, but I would think you would be exactly the kind of person that Italy would want to apply: you’ve lived here; you speak the language; you’re highly educated. That and the birth rate in Italy is zero. They need young, working people – not retirees. I would think you’d be their first choice.”
This, by the way, is more or less how I came to live in Germany. So maybe I do know a thing or two about the process. But that’s neither here nor there.
As our conversation continued, I noticed a curious thing about this woman: she started answering questions that Johann and I never asked. She pointed out the holes in her experience and her career plans before we ever noticed they were there. She told on herself, admitting minor shortcomings and personality flaws that weren’t at all noticeable. Just beating us to it, I guess!
“I’m doing my masters here because it’s actually a lot cheaper than in the States,” she said. “Also, it’s a really good program for what I want to do.”
What she’s doing, by the way, is studying Chinese and Italian languages with a focus on international business. As a person with a Communications degree, I found this impressive, as did my art historian-in-training boyfriend.
“That’s nothing special,” she added quickly. “Everyone in my program can speak Chinese and Italian. Maybe the only thing I have that sets me apart is that I’m a native English speaker.” She paused, searching her mind for another qualification. “Oh and I have a business background.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Oh is that all?” I asked. “You’re fluent in three languages and you have an advanced business degree? Get out of here! In your classroom in Italy that might not be so different, but it’s a big deal in the working world.”
She sighed. “Well I don’t know what I’m going to do for work,” she admitted. “I went to grad school because I didn’t find a job that I wanted after school. I want to live in China – like really live there, not just for a few months. I don’t know how I’ll find something like that.”
I nodded. That’s a problem I understood all too well. For years, I had wanted to work abroad. I took jobs at global companies specifically because I thought I would have the opportunity to apply only to get passed over time and again. Eventually I got tired of waiting – and decided to give myself the opportunity, which turned out to be the best way for me to do it.
“You have time to figure it out,” I said. “If that’s what you want to do, you’ll find a way.”
“Well what I really want to do,” she said, her eyes shifting around the beach. “Well, some of my classmates and I we talk about starting a business… importing Italian artisanal food products into China.”
I nodded. I knew exactly what kind of business she had in mind. I also knew that by pitching the idea to two slightly drunk strangers on a beach, she was trying it on for size, seeing if we thought it looked good or sent her back to the racks.
“But that’s just talk!” she reminded us. “I know that sounds crazy.”
I shrugged. “It’s not crazy,” I said simply. “I don’t know anything about business or imports or China, but you do, so I’ll take your word. What I do know is what I see. There are literally millions of Chinese tourists flooding into Italy every year buying everything in sight. I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all to take the products directly to them. I’m sure there’s a market.”
“I know, I know,” she agreed. “But it’s just crazy to think that I can do that.”
I know this woman wasn’t necessarily in need of a pep talk. Even if she was, I didn’t think I was the most qualified person to give it to her. Still, I had to step in because I had about enough. It’s one thing to get sidelined, it’s quite another to do it to yourself.
“It’s not crazy,” I repeated. “You’ll make your own way.”
The woman didn’t seem convinced.
“Look,” I said. “You already have. You’re here. You’re studying here. You’re living here. You’re getting a passport here. You’ve already made your own way. Why do you think you can’t do it when you already have?”
If I had a nickel for every time I pointed this out to a friend, co-worker or acquaintance – usually a woman – I’d could buy myself a much nicer bathing suit.
For the record, I understand why women always seem to doubt themselves. It’s because everyone around us does so openly and it’s hard not to pick up bad habits. Society has discounted women – as well as people of color, minorities, immigrants and members of the LGBTQ community – for generations upon generations and now here we are. It’s a mess and we have to be the ones to clean it up. We have to chip away bit by bit at the years and years, decades and decades of people telling us that the best we can do is play it safe. The most we can hope for is what we already have. That we don’t have the skills or experience or credibility to venture off the path and not get eaten alive.
For those of us who don’t buy into that narrative – which, by the way, I realize affects minority groups far more deeply than it does white women – we have to do a better job of building each other up so that we can prove everyone else wrong. We have to stop poking holes in dreams and plans simply because the person pitching them doesn’t look the part. We have to stop letting each other get daunted by the obstacles ahead without acknowledging all the ones we already overcame. The path is hard, but for so many of us, the hardest part is behind us. Why are we acting like we can’t do it when we’ve been doing it all along?
So let’s do this. Let’s start giving pep talks: to our friends and co-workers, to strangers and ourselves. Let’s not get bogged down by the doubts and challenges, real or imagined. Roadblocks exist, but we can find a way around them. If you know how to do it, say so. At the end of the day, we’re all on the same road. Don’t you want your friends – even just your fashion friends – to join you?
Okay, can I call you next time I have a crazy idea that I’m considering throwing away? I need more of you in my life always.
In the meantime, don’t judge me if I print out this blog post and carry it with me wherever I go.
hello my dear! don’t we already have this relationship? I thought we were there… I ask you for advice on Facebook ads and you ask me about how to fund a travel budget. I tell you that I like your bangs and you tell me never to get them. We do it, just not often enough. My phone is always on.
Anyway, I have an idea floating around in my head that involves you and your blog in a roundabout way… I just haven’t been able to give enough thought to because of work and other things going on. But stay tuned… I want to make the second half of the year count.
I really enjoy your posts. They are always good for a giggle and a giggle with a pep talk is even better!
Thank you! Back at you – always enjoy your pictures and posts!! xx
Very well said!
why thank you – xx! thanks for reading & have a good weekend!
This lady’s plan sounds great! When I lived in Italy I met a guy with towering self-confidence who went into business with a friend exporting Italian goods to Turkey and it seems to be working out for him. It just takes a lot of determination and persistence. If you pick holes in your plans before you even start, you won’t get anything done.
100%
In my experience – which is totally anecdotal – men seem to be given a benefit of the doubt in the way women are not. A man who wants to import olive oil “sees an opportunity” whereas a woman who has a business degree, speaks three languages and lives in a foreign country talks herself into being crazy probably because so many people have already insinuated as much. It came through so clearly that this woman was just addressing the issues people already pointed out to her: Is the program good? Do you speak the language? Are your documents valid? What makes you think that will work? It’s a shame, but it’s true. I know we can’t change every mind, but hopefully, we can at least start being a little better to each other… less nit picking, more encouragement.
Love the Pep Talk mandate – thou shalt back each other up and boost in the upwards direction.
Now if I could only take that “picture your friend when you talk to yourself” advice. You would never drag a friend the way you drag yourself.
So true! When a friend is beating herself up, I often say the exact same thing… “If I told you what you just told me, would you be acting this way?” We should treat ourselves at least as well as we do our friends. I actually did it to myself a few weeks ago because I stupidly forgot to pay my credit card bill and got a fee and the interest, etc. I was berating myself and then was like… STOP. You literally would never say this to anyone but yourself, so give it a rest. I set a calendar reminder so it wouldn’t happen again and moved on. Please try it. And yes – pep talks all over the place. Thank you in advance for spreading the positivity.
You are just the best….
Where were you when I was in my 20’s?
Or maybe I need you now?! Its time for a change….now how to ditch the house we just bought and get the husband on board?
Indeed – where was I when I was in my 20s??? Working my ass off, same as you, I suppose – only to hit 30 and be like, “FOR WHAT???” I’m so satisfied with where I am now in life that it’s hard to regret the choices that led me here, but still… the path I took was harder than it needed to be. And for a long time, I had no idea what I was even working towards. This life they sell you on – this image – is a racket. But, all that said, I don’t think you need to ditch the house to make a change. I’ll look you up on LinkedIn so we can connect professionally… then the pep talks can transcend platforms.