Last week, as I was waiting in an airport security line, I saw this tweet from New Yorkmagazine:
It was hard for me not to take it at least a little personally. After all, I had posted a very similar photo once upon a time. I have also been told by quite a few strangers, and an odd friend or two, that my digital profile annoys the crap out of them. More to the point, I was on my way to Venice where I was certain to take an obscene number of photos, many of which I planned to share across platforms. I figured now was a good a time as any for a refresher on digital humility and what happens when you forget to pack enough.
The crux of the article is this: Research shows that most people enjoy talking about themselves. In fact, many get a physical rush from doing it. However, research also shows that people tend to overestimate how happy others are for them when they share exciting personal news. This goes double when the information is shared online because the conversation is wholly one-sided.
I agreed with all that. Where I started to get a little skeptical was the “expert tips” about “how to be be a better bragger” online. To be fair, some of them – like the ones about authenticity and humor – were perfectly reasonable. But others gave me pause:
“Explaining how you found yourself in the scenario you’re highlighting — especially if it involves some hard work on your part — makes it so that people will be more likely to feel you deserve your success.”
“Create a good mix of content that doesn’t just focus on you.” For example, “share silly BuzzFeed quiz results with friends” so that when you post a “triumphant Machu Picchu” or “a selfie in line with Brad Pitt at Starbucks” it will “go over better.”
Use other people to “deflect a little bit…For example, instead of posting, ‘I just got into the med school of my dreams!’ say, ‘My mom told me she’s very proud of me for getting into med school. I’m not crying, you guys, you’recrying.’”
“Tweak your settings to share it only with people you already know will appreciate it. The best braggers know to target their boasts to people who have a vested interest in their goals.”
On some level, I can agree with the sentiment of the tips, even if I hate the framing. Exercising a dose of self-awareness and gratitude on social media is good form; Being gracious about accomplishments and opportunities is a must; Resisting the urge to overshare is a virtue. I just wish the article conveyed those points without suggesting that someone “soften” the news about getting into medical school by quoting their mother. I resent the idea that people need to explain how and why they are deserving of their good fortune in order to be accepted. I think we can all agree that no one wants to see more quiz results from BuzzFeed.
Perhaps I am being overly sensitive because so many of the examples in the article are “millennial” pursuits: hiking to exotic places; advancing your education; going to concerts. There is not one mention of the perils of oversharing wedding plans or house hunting. Gloating, it seems, is directed at the more “frivolous” pursuits, like traveling and exercising and, apparently, going to medical school.
To be clear, I understand that not all life events are on the same plane. Getting married and completing a 5K are not quite the same. But to the people experiencing those events, they may be equally important. As I read the article, I wondered why people have the green light to blast hundreds of wedding photos across multiple platforms, but a person who ran a marathon is expected to send a targeted update only to “the people they already know will appreciate it”? Why is it that we are telling people how to announce they got into medical school but allow whole photo albums dedicated to a kitchen renovation? Tell me why posting 40 photos of a trek to Machu Picchu is too much, but those month-by-month baby photos are not?
For the record, I am in no way saying that people should not share photos of their babies or their weddings or their homes. I am only pointing out that it is unfair to suggest that people think twice about posting a photo of backstage concert passes or a once-in-a-lifetime summit, when no one would ever dare do the same to a bride or a new mom.
As a woman, I am also a bit confused by the mixed message in the article. I have spent most of my career being reminded to “own my success” and “advocate for myself.” Having worked for a variety of fairly progressive companies and good managers, I have been encouraged to champion the work of other women, echoing their points in meetings and promoting their accomplishments when they’re too shy to do it themselves. This is what I’ve been taught over the years and it is the advice that got me where I am today, posting photos of canals from the heart of Venice.
And so I find it a bit alarming that a so-called expert is telling me that I should disregard all that professional advice in my personal life. According to this article, I can’t expect people to take my position in life at face value, as I have been taught to do in the office. I need to “explain” it. I maybe want to “teach” other people how to do it by positing links and articles that have nothing to do with me. I also have to be funny and accessible and authentic. Anything less and I might be alienating the people who “follow” my accounts of their own free will.
I don’t know, guys. I realize that there are people who deserve a good mute on social media and I may even be one of them. But these tips sound more like a recipe for killing joy than reducing bragging. They put the onus of managing someone’s potentially negative feelings on another person – and that’s fundamentally impossible. If social media makes you feel bad, that’s on you to solve. No one can or should change it for you.
That said, I think it’s human nature to feel a hint of envy every now and then. In fact, it might be helpful. A sprinkle of jealousy can help identify things you really want to do and what you should prioritize. If travel photos make you green, it’s a sign that you might want to adjust your budget to accommodate more trips. If you find yourself hating on that friend who posts about her weight loss goals, then maybe – and I say this carefully – that’s a clue too. Years ago, I would become furious when I saw colleague after colleague get selected for international work opportunities. That, too, was a signal of what I wanted most. When I kept getting passed over, I made the decision to do it on my own.
Jealousy, by nature, may be an ugly thing, but it is natural and it can be helpful too. If you can channel that energy into something positive, to convert the feeling into activity, then it has done you a great motivational favor.
Long story short, I’m going to keep running my social media accounts the way that I have been. The pictures that I post are not brags or boasts, they are the sights I see and the memories I want to keep. My Instagram account is a personal photo album, which I invite people to flip through if they so choose. No one is required to follow along. If people get annoyed by the 20thor the 200thcanal picture over the next few months or come to hate seeing my smiling face, then they are free to let themselves out. I won’t give it a second thought. But maybe they should.
Good points, all. I do find myself getting jealous of other people’s travel photos, and you’re right, it’s because that’s exactly what I seek. I make it a point to like and post on all of them because I feel like it’s a small way of telling the universe I celebrate such activities as successes and to keep feeding me more (maybe sometimes a little more directly).
I hope I don’t annoy people when I have the occassion to post about travel, but if I do they’re free to unfollow.
I really appreciate your blog and your photos. I’m in a different place in life because of conscious choices, but I live more than a few vicarious lives thanks to online friends.
Amen! Jealousy, in moderate amounts, when combined with self-awareness can be a good thing! I appreciate you reading and am happy to count you among my digital friends! :)
I am green with envy jealous of you and your travels, and I look forward to each and every new picture you share! I get to see personal glimpses of places I may never go and dream of new places I wouldn’t have realized I was interested in seeing otherwise.
Well… look. I am glad to hear that you look forward to seeing the pictures and I am really happy that I do the places proud. I’m actually super proud of the idea that I, in some small way, influence people’s destination choices/considerations. If ever you hit a place where I have been, I will give you ALL the tips I have.
As always, I love your insight, admire your wisdom, ad enjoy your style. Keep doing what you do!
As always, thank you for reading :) Appreciate the vote of confidence & happy travels! xx
“a so-called expert is telling me that I should disregard all that professional advice in my personal life”
Seems to me the so-called expert is giving you the answer you need: disregard this advice! Because, actually, no matter what anyone posts online, everyone who sees it is there by choice. I only read your blog because I want to. If you say enough that seems too brag-ish to me, I can just leave, right? And I haven’t left yet.
First of all – thank you for not leaving :) although, like I said, no hard feelings if anyone else does.
I completely agree with what you’re saying: People can come and go as they please regardless of what I’m doing. I write this post not as a way of justifying my behaviour but of reminding other people, if they need it, that they don’t have to water it down for anyone else. I think these “expert tip” articles are so contradictory to what we tell women about being independent and competent and proud. When I read them, I think, “I hope no one else believes this.” And this is my way of suggesting that everyone take what they read (including the stuff I write!) with a grain of salt.
I follow you because of your content! I follow a lot of people who travel, who go on adventures because of all the things I get to see through your eyes.
thank you! I’m so glad you do. :)
I love your blog and never feel like you’re bragging. I look forward to seeing your travel photos and experiences because, if I can’t be in Venice right now (or Macchu Pichu or another amazing locale), at least I can live vicariously through you. Also, it gives me ideas of where I might want to go once I get a chance to do more traveling. You keep doing you and don’t even sweat it. There’re gonna be haters no matter how you “frame” it.
Thanks, Allen. I appreciate you saying so. When you’re ready for a trip, I’ll happily give you all the tips I have :)
I just like your photos and stories. They remind me that the world’s a beautiful and interesting place, both the parts of it I’ve seen and the parts I haven’t. And they remind me that I don’t want to get so tied up in the exhausting details of life that I lazily give up on travel.
I like your delight in some of the places you go to. It doesn’t come across as gloating or rubbing it in people’s faces, and if you can’t write about your happiness, what’s the point of writing? And I wholeheartedly agree about the messages society sends women.
All that’s to say, don’t change what you’re writing! I like it.
I completely agree… if people aren’t “allowed” to write about their happiness on their own blog, then what’s the point? Anyway. I appreciate that you read and I’m glad that you like seeing the photos. One day, I hope our paths cross in one land or another. xx
I read your blog because I like what you have to say – through your phrasing and photos. Your stories don’t feel contrived and I appreciate the humour you find in such varied situations. Keep it up!
thank you! appreciate the compliment. i think humor is the great unifier… of people who are already cool and totally with it. :) thanks again!
you’re living an amazing life, and you’re aware of that, which is cool. You are in places I’ll never see, but you let me see them through your eyes.
I also like the spirit you bring to this, the grace, silliness of it.
And I get to look at the pictures of those canals. Too.
More canals coming your way… :) as always, thanks for reading.
Oh my lordy, this blog post makes me so happy and also that article needs to be removed from the internet. The excitement in our lives should be shared! I personally find your pictures to be fun and inspiring. You’re also good at sharing the “not-so-perfect” stuff of your life.
In other words, I fully support your decision to change nothing and keep just doing your thing.
hi! thank you for saying that. I try to keep a balance – though I don’t fault anyone for just putting up the good stuff, either. That said, I think it’s possible to overshare and to be insincere or overly showy about it… I think if any account makes a person feel that way, it’s on them to unfollow. at the end of the day, you regulate your own feelings. I kind of wish the article acknowledged that part of it too… that no matter how much you think before you post, you never know what people will think OF your post.
ANYWAY. thanks for the comment. I am eternally jealous of your dogs. huskies4->
Nova,
I’m so glad that you share your travels! OMG! If someone is jealous, maybe that means they need to take a look at their life and figure out how to do a little traveling themselves. I agree with you that the article was more of a killjoy, snarky even. Screw that! Enjoy yourself, take beautiful pictures and I hope you continue to share! M.L. James aka Mona
why thank you! I totally agree. sometimes jealousy is a clue… you can think it over and turn it into enlightenment, OR you can write a 900 word article for NY magazine. your choice, I guess! thanks for following along – xx