Over the past three years, I’ve got my travel repertoire down pat… and so do all the brands I favor. From the frequent flyer files, here is my pre-departure routine, every. single. time.
Norwegian Airlines: Thank you for booking a flight with us to Las Palmas! Would you like to choose a seat?
Me: No.
Norwegian: Are you interested in an in-flight meal?
Me: No.
Norwegian: Do you need to check a bag?
Me: No.
Norwegian: Do you intend to put your feet on the ground, use the restroom, and/or expect to breathe air?
Me: Do you charge for those things?!
Norwegian: No, but Ryanair does and we’re looking into it for next year.
Expedia: I see you’re looking for a room in Las Palmas! How about a rental car?
Me: I just need a room.
Expedia: Our cheapest room is $199/night. But if you add a rental car, it’s only… $199/night.
Me: That’s the same price.
Expedia: Yes, but you get a rental car!
Me: I don’t need a rental car.
Hotels.com: WE ONLY DO HOTELS. THAT’S WHY WE’RE CALLED HOTELS.COM.
Me: OK, what do you have?
Hotels.com: WE HAVE HOT SALES WITH SIZZLING DEALS ALL YEAR LONG AT HOTELS ALL OVER THE PLANET EARTH.
Me: What do you have in Las Palmas?
Hotels.com: EMOJIS
Me: Excuse me?
Hotels.com: SIZZLE SIZZLE HOT DEALS
Me: So… nothing?
Hotels.com: WE WILL EMAIL YOU TWICE A DAY FOR SIX MONTHS UNTIL YOU BOOK A SIZZLING HOTEL DEAL THANK YOU FOREVER AND GOOD NIGHT
Airbnb: Welcome back! We do experiences now!
Me: What?
Airbnb: Yep. When you come to our site, we know you want an apartment, but we’re going to try to sell you a camel ride.
Me: Just the apartment, thnx.
Airbnb: Yes, we’ll get to that. But first: On a scale of 1-10 how interested are you in snorkeling?
Me: Zero? I’m literally only interested in booking an apartment.
Airbnb: OK, so a “no” on snorkeling. How about a surf lesson where you can also practice your Spanish?
Me: No.
Airbnb: Would you like to walk up the side of an active volcano?
Me: No.
Airbnb: Did you know that not far from here is the Sea World with the whale that is, depending on who you ask, either suicidal or very hungry?
Me: ….
Airbnb: Speechless, I see. We’ll put you down as a maybe!
CapitalOne Bank: Can you confirm these purchases with Norwegian Airlines and Airbnb?
Me: Yes, I bought those things.
CapitalOne: Great! We have already suspended your account but we can text you a four-digit code that will unlock it.
Me: Here is my international phone number.
CapitalOne: We cannot text international numbers. It’s a security risk.
Me: And what am I supposed to do now?
CapitalOne: We can text the code to literally anyone else. Just go ahead and give us any U.S. number and we’ll give that person a four-digit code that can unlock your account and allow them to change your password and complete virtually any transaction they like.
Me: Isn’t that more of a security risk?
CapitalOne: What number would you like us to send the code to?
Me: OK, here is my sister-in-law’s number. Ready?
Lonely Planet: Thanks for checking out our Gran Canaria guide! Las Palmas has a mainland-Spain feel, spiced up with an eclectic mix of other cultures, including African, Chinese and Indian, plus the presence of container-ship crews, and the flotsam and jetsam that tend to drift around port cities.
Me: I’m sorry?
Lonely Planet: It’s an intriguing place, with the sunny languor and energy you would normally associate with the Mediterranean or north Africa.
Me: I wouldn’t?
Lonely Planet: Las Palmas is an authentic Spanish working city and while there are areas you wouldn’t walk at night with a camera slung round your neck, overall, you should feel perfectly safe here.
Me: This is what you put on your home page?
Lonely Planet: The site is free, ma’am. We never said it was good.
Facebook Ad: Hey! We see you’re planning a trip to Las Palmas. Don’t miss out on these deals from Airbnb!
Me: I already booked an apartment with Airbnb.
Facebook Ad #2: Half-off snorkeling equipment rush shipping included!
Facebook Ad #3: Lose weight for your bikini bod fast with aloe tea+shoe polish face scrub/foot soak!
Me: Google, a word?
Google: LOOK. WE DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE DOING ONLINE. THIS IS A COINCIDENCE AND YOU CAN’T PROVE OTHERWISE.
Me: Look at these ads! You sold my data.
Google: No, lady brain. This is how ad targeting works. We gather your data, anonymize it, analyze it with millions of other data points from people all over the world and then use our algorithms to create personalized and customized insights that we then “share” with advertisers… along with a detailed list of everything you’ve done online for the past 6 months.
Me: That’s horrifying.
Google: WELCOME TO THE DIGITAL ECONOMY. NOW APOLOGIZE.
Norwegian Direct Mail: Your flight is coming up in 16 days… last chance to add an in-flight meal for $53!
Me: I’ll bring my own.
Norwegian: You sure? You can pay for it using our exclusive cryptocurrency called CashPoints!
Me: Still no.
Norwegian Direct Mail: Well enjoy that homemade sandwich while you can. Next year, we’re looking into legislation that will limit passenger carryon allowance to 500 grams and also prevent guests from bringing their own food, beverages and clothing. Instead, passengers will be required to purchase a fleece onesie that has a built-in combination snack pouch/trash can. We’re thinking about doing away with toilets for flights under 3 hours. Plan ahead.
Airbnb: We’re looking into legislation too, but we’re for the CONSUMER, and by that we mean, the consumers who started this company.
Me: You know… I used to really like both of you.
Airbnb: Sorry, but this is the world that you created. Gotta break some eggs to make an omelet.
Norwegian: The omelet is not free!
Weather.com: Oh boy.
Me: Hey.
Weather.com: Really? You’re coming here again? You haven’t learned your lesson by now?
Me: The 7-day forecast for Gran Canaria please.
Weather.com: Are you sure about this?
Me: Lay it on me.
Weather.com: RAIN, RAIN, chance of thundershower, RAIN, RAIN, sandstorm, category five combination hurricane/Sharknado.
Me: I don’t believe you.
Weather.com: The day you return to Helsinki looks perfect! Enjoy your trip!
Google Maps: Ah yes, Calle Calvo Sotelo. Well the most direct route involves two turns. But if you take this shortcut through a public park/sewer system you will arrive 30 seconds sooner.
Me: I’ll take route one.
Google Maps: You ready to zig-zag?!?
Me: No, route one.
Google Maps: In 100 meters, keep an eye out for an open man hole cover!
Me: No. It’s one right turn. I can see that on this map!
Google Maps: What is a right but three quick lefts? Let’s get started!
I’m on vacation this week! I’m a maybe on the volcano. Hard no on the whales. Caved and booked an aisle seat where I will be watching five episodes of the Real Housewives of Orange County because if there’s one more thing I need on the way to Las Palmas, it’s more nonsense!
Exactly. And one more thing: I resent being told “You must read our new Terms of Service very carefully” (airbnb, yesterday). Out of interest I copied them into a Word document – they consisted of 13,199 words and took up 26 pages. That’s not counting the Payments Terms of Service that are another 10,349 words/22 pages of required reading. Life’s too short to read all that, and most of it could be reduced (I skimmed) to “Just behave like a normal human being”
excellent point! so annoying. i remember hearing that there was a company, I forget which, that wrote into the terms that the first (let’s say) 50 people to write to them requesting (let’s say) $100 will receive a check. I don’t think they ever topped out on that.
I also forgot that the airlines have all these explicit restrictions on carry-on bag size that they never actually enforce. therefore, half the passengers on the plane can bring 6 loose plastic bags and a roller board, and the others will have to check their coats. god bless air travel:)
This is perfection. Absolute perfection.
why thank you – xx.
I feel this in my damn soul.
amen.
love the camel with the snarky look. He looks as if he knows dirty jokes.
yep. of course I would draw his straw. of course I would!