I had known Johann for just a few months when he mentioned that his grandfather owned a mammoth tusk. I didn’t quite believe him – or, more accurately, his grandfather – but it was too early to say so right to his face.
Still, I had a lot of questions: Where exactly does one acquire a mammoth tusk? How can we be sure that’s actually what it is? Is it possible that it’s something less exotic, like a walrus? Why is said tusk not in a museum?
“I don’t have all the details,” Johann admitted with a shrug. “My grandfather has lots of cool stuff that he found while he was mining in Alaska.”
“Mining for what?” I asked.
“Gold,” he replied. “Well, actually – he was exploding the ice and then mining for gold.”
That shut me up real quick. I think it’s safe to say that anyone who goes traipsing around Alaska in the 1950s with a bag of dynamite doesn’t need to make things up for fun. Mammoth, walrus, elephant with a tragic backstory – whatever. The man has a big tusk, that’s what matters.
“I’m sure it was real,” Johann added, almost reading my mind. “Finnish people don’t lie.”
“They don’t,” agreed one of his friends. “Finnish people are so honest.”
“Anyway,” Johann concluded. “The tusk isn’t around anymore. My grandfather’s cleaning lady accidentally threw it out while he was on holiday. She thought it as garbage.”
Johann’s friend could not have been more upset by this news.
“NO!” she cried, slapping the table. “She just threw it away?! Oh that’s terrible!!”
Then she turned to me and waited for my reaction. Even though she had only met me twice, she knew me well enough to know that I would have something to say.
It’s times like that I wish I smoked. I could light a cigarette and let the moment build before swooping in with one final question: “Well was the cleaning lady Finnish? Because at least one person in that story is lying.”
Johann didn’t know the nationality of the cleaning lady, but that’s not really the point. Neither is authenticity of the tusk or his grandfather’s collection of artefacts. The point is that Finnish people are honest, almost to a fault. They don’t expect other people to lie, because they themselves don’t do it. They don’t cheat or swindle or scheme, either.
In Finland, there’s an honor system. People are trusted to do the right thing. In grocery stores, customers bag and weigh their own produce, bread and coffee. The Metro system doesn’t have turnstiles or barriers. At Johann’s members-only sauna, there’s a box where guests can leave $5 when they visit. No one bothers to check that the rules are being followed because hardly anyone ever cheats.
Americans, of course, are kind of the opposite. As a group, we are not particularly honest or loyal or fair. Find someone doing the right thing and you’ll also find at least one person pointing out the stupidity of doing so. I mean, why pay for out of season strawberries if you can weigh the bag as autumn apples? If the gate is left open at the subway station, why should I swipe in with my card? I once left a job three weeks before bonuses were paid out and senior leadership called me an idiot straight to my face.
But, as I often tell Johann, Americans don’t behave that way purely out of selfishness. For most of us, it’s a matter of self-preservation. We live paycheck to paycheck. Every year we roll the dice, praying that a medical emergency doesn’t force us into bankruptcy. Just as we finish paying off our five-figure student loan debts, we begin saving for our children’s college fund, often at the expense of our own retirement. In America, we cheat the system because our system isn’t fair: there’s no universal healthcare, no living wage, no years-long maternity leave, no pensions, no merit-based free education system. Our government and our employers – they don’t take care of us like they do in Finland, so we need to take care of ourselves. And sometimes that self-care manifests itself in ridiculous ways, like stealing a stapler from work and helping ourselves to a glass of milk at Starbucks.
One of the nice things about Finnish people is that they seem to realize how good they have it. They appreciate, for example, that when they are preparing for the birth of their first child, the government sends them “a Mother’s Box.” Despite the name, it’s actually something quite delightful: a package filled with baby supplies, clothes, and books – the box of which can be converted into a crib. My Finnish friends, Johann included, are grateful that they have the opportunity to earn a master’s degree at some of the best universities in the world without paying a single penny. As if that’s not enough, they also receive “student support,” a monthly stipend to help cover rent, groceries and whatever else they need.
Perhaps as importantly, Finnish people appreciate the absurdity of the alternative. They listen in horror as I explain what a co-pay is or how a 401k works. They shudder at the mere mention of average student loan debt ($37,712) or the cost of childbirth ($8,802). It sounds insane to them that most Americans only get two week’s vacation time each year.
Having been removed from our system for a few years, I almost can’t believe it myself. How did we get it so wrong? Better question: Why is it getting worse? Bigger question: Why does democratic socialism sound so scary to Americans when there are so many places in the world where it works so well?
Whenever I can’t explain something that breaks my heart, I make it into a joke. While I can’t make light of America’s mass shootings or our dismal social services, I can still delight in the other things that are exclusively and uniquely American. I’m talking about the Big Gulp. Candy cigarettes. An entire week’s worth of cable television programming dedicated just to sharks. When I tell Finnish people about these things they are just as incredulous as when I tell them about our gun laws and our health care system. They ask, “Are you serious?” And I tell them, “I’m serious like a $50,000 heart attack.”
And because I am also fun, I put together a game for them called America, For Real? Here’s how it works: I name various American foods, customs, products or beliefs and people have to guess if they’re real (America, Fuck Yeah!) or false (Fake News!)
International friends: Want to play? The list is below and answers follow.
American friends: Times like these we all need to laugh. Let’s take a walk down Memory Lane and relive the glory of the Snuggie. Also, tell me what favorites you would add to the list.
America, For Real?
- Pumpkin Spice Oreos
- A drink special called the Pickle Back, which is a shot of whiskey followed by a shot of pickle juice
- A paco, which is a taco wrapped in a slice of pizza
- A fast food sandwich called the Double Down, which replaces the bread with two fried chicken patties
- A caffeinated tequila called Café Patron
- A dog-friendly Uber taxi service called Scooby Duber
- Trump University
- A date rape drug that goes by the name Crystal Pepsi
- A cereal themed restaurant called Cereality
- A Christian heavy metal band called Angel Dust
- “Chicken and waffles” flavored potato chips
- A television show called Extreme Couponing, which follows shoppers around as they use multiple coupons
- A republican themed dance troupe called The Trumpettes
- A grocery store chain called the Piggly Wiggly
- A specially designed cleaning cloth called the Sham Wow
- A drinkable yogurt called Go-Gurt
Answers:
True: 1; 2; 4; 5; 7; 9; 11; 12; 14; 15; 16
False: 3; 6; 8; 10; 13
Is it bad that I thought they were all true? I could have sworn The Trumpettes were a real thing, and Scooby Duber absolutely should be.
Bad? No. I think the world would be a better place with the Trumpettes and Scooby Duber. I can’t take credit for that one actually… Paula, my former co-worker who I mentioned to you, posted the idea on Facebook and I slotted it right in. See you soon!
American. Knew which ones were true–assumed the rest were, too. LOL
The mammoth tusk section had me chuckling–and the part about how our country is run made me sad. So…thank you and damn you. LOL
I know – if a country has Shark Week what’s to say they don’t have The Trumpettes too?
As always, thanks for reading and the shout out on Twitter. At some point I’ll do a blog share and hit you back. In the mean time, I appreciate the virtual props.
Thanks again!
Scooby Duber should definitely be a thing.
I cannot take credit for this one! Total rip off from my friend Paula… but I agree it should be a thing. If Cereality is a thing… if Big League Chew is a thing… if the Tide Pod Challenge is a thing – then Scooby Duber should be a thing
The exact same thing happened to us. My FIL, who has a gold mine in Alaska, brought us a mammoth tusk. It was in the permafrost so we had to thaw it in the fridge. My cleaning lady cleaned the fridge and threw it out.
I am Canadian – we are too polite to lie. Sorry.
WAIT A MINUTE. you have a cleaning lady who does the INSIDE of the fridge? well that is just fascinating!!!
I kid. that’s an incredible coincidence! and a really sorry story! I must say though, I’ve gone through a dumpster once in my life for way less (specifically, a college bookstore receipt for a book that I could return within 3 days once I photocopied all the pages I needed – god… I didn’t even mean for that to be another example of my dishonesty and the shitiness of the American education system, but here we are!) maybe the woman in Finland really did just throw it out… but I’ll tell you what… if I was around, I would have gone through every last bag in search of that tusk.
PS. ending a comment with “Sorry” for no reason whatsoever is, like, the most Canadian thing I’ve ever seen. I love it. :)
This. Is. Amazing.
And heartbreaking.
But mainly amazing because I need to laugh.
I know. We all need a laugh these days. It’s why I subscribe to the Real Housewives of New York City. Absurdity and opulence and tackiness at its finest. catch you soon!
2 sounds disgusting! And the paco SHOULD be a thing :)
It is. And I think the paco is only a matter of time. xx – thanks for reading!
This was amazing!!! Playing the game w/my French husband now….
haha – hope he enjoyed it!