Are you in search of the best chocolate cake recipe…ever? Well look no further! Because I found it and I’m going to share it with YOU!
But before we get to that, allow me to begin the way all food blogs do: with 300 words about the weather. Why is that, you wonder? Well you may not have realized it, but literally any time you are eating food, there is also weather! All kinds of weather: hot weather, cold weather, rainy weather, cloudy weather. Doesn’t matter, it’s there! And cake goes with it. I have a throw pillow that says, I only eat cake on days ending in Y. Same idea!
Here’s a picture of weather in Finland, for reference:
I’m coming up a little short on weather talk, so let me skip right to the point—reasons to make a cake. There are many, as you know. The most important being because you want to eat one. Lots of people think that cake is a special occasion food, but with a recipe this simple (wait for it! Just 500 more words to go!) it doesn’t have to be that way. This cake can be made any day of the week. Monday, for example. Or Wednesday. This cake is so easy that you can make it on a Monday and a Wednesday. It’s delicious too—good enough for a Sunday, I’d say.
I know that sounds like a lot of cake, but don’t worry. There’s no such thing as too much cake! That’s what the other side of my throw pillow says. Sometimes, when people refuse to eat my cake because of calories or some other assorted nonsense, I hit them with that pillow and say: Die and Diet are just one letter apart. Nine times out of ten, they laugh and eat the cake. (The tenth person leaves in a huff, but who cares? More cake for me!)
This is a picture of a sunset in Thailand:
But I digress. Where were we? Ah, yes. Finland. I live in Helsinki. And in Finnish, the word for cake is kakku. And the word for chocolate is suklaa. So if you want to make a chocolate cake, you can make a suklaakakku. And yes, that does sound a little dirty and that’s before I even tell you want the word for candle is. Kunttila. A suklaakakku adorned with 32 kunttilas. Can you believe it? It’s true!
Well almost true. My Finnish readers will be quick to point out that candle is actually spelled kynttilä. In Finnish, the Y is pronounced like a U and they add dots over random vowels because they love a challenge. But most people don’t know that, which means that they probably won’t get the joke that candle sounds suspiciously like a fancy version of the c word. You may say this has nothing to do with cake, and you are right!
These are sunflowers in Serbia:
Another thing that is not particularly relevant to cake recipes, but always gets a lot of airtime in food blogs is people’s reactions to your cake. One thing I’ve learned is that you want people to have one. And with this recipe, they will. Believe me because I have made it before. On a Tuesday, for example. For a non-birthday (non-kuntilla) occasion. People ate it and also talked about it, saying things like, “You made a cake,” and “Who doesn’t love cake?” And I get out my other throw pillow and show them, Only Monsters Don’t Like Cake.
But all jokes aside, you’d be surprised how many people don’t like cake. It’s an easy mistake to make if you’re using the wrong recipes—unlike this one, which is simple, delicious and 100% in English. Other recipes are difficult and produce complex cakes. And no one likes a complex cake, that’s what I noticed.
So none of that here. Just simple cake. Easy cake. The best cake ever! And you if you want to say that in Finnish—because I’m assuming that’s what you’re here for, the weather commentary and elementary foreign language instruction—it’s paras kakku koskaan. And you can remember that because it sounds like paras kakku koskaan.
This is an elk!
OK, enough of that. Without further ado: a few words about ovens! Everyone has one, but which one? I have one that is too small to fit a standard cake pan, which is a problem for most cake recipes. So that would be my first tip: Make sure your pan fits in the oven. Learned that the hard way one Thanksgiving, which would have been a problem except that no one celebrates Kiitospaiva in Helsinki and therefore were not expecting baked goods. But don’t be like me. Practice putting your pans in the oven!
And while we’re on the subject of pans. You’re going to need between 1 and 16, depending on how many layers you want your cake to have. My sister-in-law, a woman I like to call Saint Rena, is an expert level baker. I’ve seen her field requests from her sons to make elaborate desserts modeled after those referenced in obscure Swedish children’s literature. I am partly responsible because I bought the books. Anyways, I’ve seen her stack layer after layer, one for each year of her child’s life, frost it by hand and top it with fresh fruit. That’s one option.
Another would be whatever you were thinking before my sister-in-law made you feel inadequate. But listen, this recipe is magic, so don’t feel the need to keep up with the Renas of the world. ANYONE can make a delicious cake with this simple, super-duper kakku, extra suklaa, recipe because it has a secret ingredient added by minä! Just see if you can spot it.
Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour (organic)
2 cups sugar
1 debit card
8 oz red wine or similar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon espresso powder
1 cup milk buttermilk, almond, or coconut milk
1/2 cup melted coconut oil
2 large, organic eggs room temperature
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup boiling water
Preheat oven to 0º F. Prepare two wine glasses with soft cloth. Distribute 8 oz of favorite wine evenly between glasses. (Do this even if a second person is not present. Wine should always be consumed in equal amounts, lest the bottle become unbalanced. This is something you learn on wine tours in Italy when I am acting as translator.)
Take flour, sugar, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda, salt and espresso powder and place in cabinet. Close door and allow to chill 1-2 years or until moving apartments.
Place milk, eggs and butter in refrigerator (for appearances).
Take one glass of wine and sip quickly while continuously enjoying the fact that you are not operating small appliances of any kind.
Take remaining ingredients and place directly in trash. Wash down with second glass of wine.
Access debit card and visit nearest bakery. Or, even better, Urbanspoon delivery.
Place delivered cake on plates of your choosing and eat, while reminding everyone that just because you don’t bake doesn’t mean you don’t love them any less.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY #1 SUKLAAKAKKU. I WILL FORVER BE YOUR BIGGEST, BRIGHTEST KUNTILLA.
What – a recipe post from Nova? Really?!
I don’t cook. I don’t bake. I don’t read recipe posts other than glance at the lavish, mouthwatering photos.
But of course, yours was different! Another well-written and entertaining write-up! Loved it.
yes, it is a cold day in hell when i post a recipe. i’m with you, not into the kitchen, but i fully support those who do… by which i mean that i buy prepared foods :) xx
This was excellent ^_^
why thank you! I do recommend you try the recipe sometime! xx
Somehow, I made it all the way until “This is an Elk!” before I busted out laughing. :)
:) thank you for reading. like that photo caption says, even the best photo can be improved with an elk.
I have honestly never laughed out loud whilst reading a recipe before. And I thank you.
THANK YOU!! Def recommend this recipe. five stars.
xx
This is brilliant! I love your blog anyway, but this is my favorite installment ever. EVER!
Aw! Thank you!! Appreciate it so much! xx
your blog is seriously my favorite. LMFAO “This is an Elk!”
THANK YOU! that is definitely an elk. Your comment made my day!