Conversations with Cats

My friends have cats. They also have jobs. And when they go to the office while I stay home with their cats, this is what happens. We talk. We have logic wars. We engage in power struggles. And we both get tricked by the kitchen sink.

Long story short, if the cats are giving advice, it would go something like this: Who gives a shit? Do what you want.

Photo credit: All images from the epically hilarious Bodega Cats of Instagram. Follow here!


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Boxed out…

Me: What is that?
Cat 1: A cat toy!
Me: No. That’s a dryer ball. Give me that.
Cat 1: No! You can’t have it! I’M ALREADY SITTING ON IT.
Me: This isn’t a toy. It goes in the dryer. With clean clothes.
Cat 1: But that’s my favorite thing! It’s the only toy I want to play with besides your computer, the cord from your cell phone charger, and the suitcase.
Me: You’re not getting the dryer ball.
Cat 1: What do you expect me to do? Play with the sink?!
Me: Just play with one of your other toys. You have like 15 foil balls under the couch.
Me: Fine. Sit on a shoe box. I don’t care.
Me: You’re, like, not even in the box.
Me: Alright. I’m leaving.
Cat 1: No! Wait! Don’t go! I need something! I need YOU! I need to ask you something!
Me: Stop trying to trip me. NOT WHILE I’M ON THE STEPS!
Cat 1: Can you just put the wet food out now?

Phoning it in…

Cat 2: Are you having a video conference?
Me: Yes.
Cat 2: Is it important?
Me: Yes. You cannot sit on the table now.
Cat 2: WOW! Who’s that lady?
Me: That’s my boss. Get down.
Cat 2: Oh, that’s Autumn?! HEY AUTUMN! Autumn! Hey! Look at my tail! Here it is! Swish, swish!
Me: Get your butt away from the camera lens.
Cat 2: Autumn! Watch! I can walk back and forth!
Me: Get off the table, or I will throw you off.
Cat 2: Autumn! Check it: BACKWARDS CAT! Heeeey! CLOSE UP! These are my ears!!!
Me: Stop it.
Cat 2: No, you stop it! I’m just saying hi to Autumn while she gives everyone five minutes to join before she kicks things off. Right, Autumn! Look at my – oooo, dust! BRB.

On making lemonade…

Cat 3: Hey, hi. Quick question… Do you remember which water is mine?
Me: Your water is in a dish on the kitchen floor. These are glasses. For people.
Cat 3: I think it’s this one… but honestly I don’t remember. You should really mark these.
Me: No, I should not mark them. Because cats have no business drinking out of glasses. Don’t you dare stick your face in the —
Cat 3: UGH!! What is that?
Me: A lemon. It;s lemon water. Did you learn your lesson?
Cat 3: A lemon?! WTF?! Are you crazy? You don’t put fish spritzer in water!
Me: Get out of here.
Cat 3: Lemon is the thing you put in the garbage disposal when it stinks!
Me: Go drink from your dish.
Cat 3: A lemon is what you use to make Pine Sol sellable.
Me: Go. Away.
Cat 3: A dog wouldn’t even eat a lemon. Seriously! Not even the nitwit cocker spaniel down the street who has to wear a harness in the house would stomach that.
Me: Shut up.
Cat 3: Phew! All this yelling got me thirsty.
Me: No! Don’t put your face in the other —
Cat 3: OK, now that one is better! Thank God. A second lemon water… could you imagine? How disgusting!

@julesandregulations @voula_stallard

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Bed time story…

Cat 2: Um, excuse me. Some of us are trying to sleep here.
Me: Yes, and some of us are trying to type here. Because this is a computer. You can’t lie on the laptop when I’m working.
Cat 2: Fair enough. I’ll just just put my head on this corner.
Me: Oh no you won’t.
Cat 2: OK. One paw! Just. A little. Bit.
Me: No.
Cat 2: Just a little bit!!!
Me: No.
Cat 2: Come on! You know I can’t sleep unless I’m in the way!
Cat 2: Oh yeah? Is that how it’s going to be? We’re going to act out?! Well then I’m pushing all the buttons with all the paws!
Me: Go right ahead. I’m throwing that chapter out anyway.


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On instacating…

Cat 3: Stop taking my picture.
Me: Then stop doing ridiculous things.
Cat 3: What’s so ridiculous about sitting upright in a folding chair?
Me: You’re a cat! It’s hilarious!
Cat 3: Whatever. Who are you sending those photos to anyway?
Me: None of your business.
Cat 3: Is it a boooooy?
Me: Maybe…
Cat 3: Is he cuuuute?
Me: Maybe…
Cat 3: Well then stop sending him cat pictures, you idiot! Seriously. Could you be any less cool right now?
Me: What? Everyone loves cat pictures.
Cat 3: False.
Me: I only sent three…
Cat 3: [stares]
Me: So far today.
Cat 3: It’s not even noon.
Me: It’s different. He’s in Europe!
Cat 3: Tell me again. Who’s being ridiculous?
Me: You are! You’re standing in my backpack! No! Go back! I want to get a video!


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Finding your spirit animal…

Me: Why are you staring at my shoes?
Cat 4: I like them.
Me: You’re freaking me out.
Cat 4: Why? I just like your shoes! They sparkle. Even though they kind of smell like sick.
Me: Like what?
Cat 4: Like when they put me in the car to go to the vet the day the day after they switched to shrimp flavored Fancy Feast. They smell like that.
Me: Oh! That’s because I spilled a Long Island Iced Tea on them during my birthday party last week.
Cat 4: No, not that… it’s not a kitchen smell.
Me: Well the week before that, I spilled half a latte on them in the Lisbon airport when I forgot that I put my coffee cup on top of my suitcase…
Cat 4: THAT’S IT!
Me: Gross. Is it that bad?
Cat 4: It’s pretty bad. But hey, it happens. I knocked over a Bonsai tree yesterday.
Me: I’ve done that before.
Cat 4: Did they yell at you?
Me: Yes. I yelled at me a lot that day.
Cat 4: Do you like naps?
Me: I love naps!
Cat 4: What’s your favorite nap time?
Me: What’s your favorite nap time?
Me & Cat 4: Right MEOW.
Me: Let’s put Dance Moms on and take a nap!



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