Things you should never say to a self-employed person

This past summer, when LinkedIn launched their “Open to Work” frame, I was quick to add it to my profile. After all, as a freelancer I am almost always open to hearing about new projects. I figured that would be a helpful and clear signal to send to my network if and when they needed a writer or content strategist.

In reality, that little frame touched off a series of unfortunate exchanges that began with someone who openly dislikes me offering to write an unsolicited letter of reference and culminated with someone in Toronto asking me if I’d be interested in joining her vitamin ponzi scheme.

Open to work, indeed. This inbox is now closed.

While I know times are tough for so many people and those who lost their jobs unexpectedly may, in fact, be open to any kind of work, those of us who are willfully self-employed are not. Writers don’t want to sell vitamins and voice actors don’t want to work construction and designers don’t want to cover shifts at a flower shop. So please don’t even ask. We are open to work within reason. Within scope.

When you offer unsolicited resume reviews or references, when you suggest cockamamie business ideas, when you playfully point out how nice it must be to have free time while “funemployed”, it’s not helpful, thoughtful or even friendly. It’s just insulting.

Here’s a quick test you can do to tell if your message to a self-employed person is appropriate:

Ask yourself if you would send a person in a traditional role the exact same message. If the answer is no—that you wouldn’t put “writing biz” in quotes or send a link to a yoga certification program to a person who had a fancy job title—then you shouldn’t send it to a self-employed person either.

Just Ctrl+A, Delete, and then replace with, “Wanted to check in with you and see what’s new.”

You can thank me later.

In case you need more examples of what not to say, here’s a list of things no happily self-employed person wants to hear, all inspired by real messages I’ve received over the past year:

“I saw this job that you might be interested in. It’s entry level at a PR agency in Dallas. If you want it, send me your resume, work samples, six references, certified work history for the past 15 years and an original copy of your birth certificate. Try to get it to me by 3 p.m. yesterday.”

“I have something for you. I can’t share details yet, but if I know you, you’ll love it. Hold all of Q2 for this, because it is BIG. I’m going to hype this up with you for the next 3-5 days and then just never contact you again. Stay tuned. Tks.”

“Hey! Long time no talk. I saw you started your own thing a while back and I wanted to reach out because I just got laid off too. Since I do pretty much the exact same thing as you (only better – ha!) I was hoping you could introduce me to all your clients. In return, I will do nothing for you. LMK.”

“Saw you started your own business! I’m just getting my jewelry brand off the ground! Would you be interested in writing my web copy? I have a lot of it journaled already, I just need someone to do a little more research around the crystals. I can’t pay you with money, but you can pick any necklace and bracelet you like from the site once it’s up and running.”

“My husband’s sister’s husband is a writer if you want to talk to him. He does, like, really serious stuff though. Like grants. From the government? Might be good to bounce ideas off someone who’s successful!”

“What’s your rate? OK, well what about if we cut that in half and then made it less than that?”

“It looks like you have a knack for dogs! Have you considered dog walking to make ends meet?”

“Well now would be a good time to get pregnant, if you’re not already.”

What about you? What funny, insulting or just plain absurd things have people said to you as a willfully self-employed person?

19 comments to “Things you should never say to a self-employed person”
  1. I’m not self employed but I am with the same employer I’ve had since 1988 and in the same job since 1992 and I LOVE IT. There is just the right about of things that change, the right amount of responsibility, the right amount of student interaction, and I don’t feel stuck in a rut. Yet, I am always bombarded with other job opportunities because surely, you want a change? Surely, you want to climb the corporate ladder? Surely, you are bored with this job? Surely, you need more fulfillment in your life? Stop calling me Shirley!

    I also love paper crafting as a hobby and people ask why I don’t turn it into a business…. because it wouldn’t be fun anymore. And no, I won’t make 30 invitation for your daughter’s wedding in exchange for a necklace and bracelet once your website is finished.

    • good for you! the best we can all hope for is to enjoy our work and have a balance with our person lives. sounds like you do and good for you.

  2. I do intake for a law firm. It’s hard not to laugh at people while on the phone, but don’t worry, we laugh at you afterwards.

  3. Oh, Nova. I find it pretty hard to believe that there’s someone in the world who “openly dislikes [you].”
    The rest was totally believable and perfect for working on my eye-rolling muscles! (People. Am I right??) Thanks for the giggles.

    • oh. um. well i hate to break it to you but i would say a good half of the people i meet – especially in a work setting – do not like me. how open they are about it is another story. they have good reason too: i don’t take much shit, i often call people on theirs, i say no, sometimes not in the most diplomatic way… and a lot of people just read that behavior as mean or bitchy or rude or whatever other word they want to use when they’re really just mad that i’m not rolling over. and that’s fine.
      but yeah. PEOPLE. YOU ARE RIGHT.

  4. We both had a laugh reading this. From Ted:
    “We really enjoyed working with you last time. How about a pay cut this next go around?”

    “Glad to hear you’re doing well. But what will your real job be after this.”

    “Great work the other day. Here’s the contact after the job. When can you deliver your first born to us?”

    • omg. i’m sorry. assholes. every last one of them. what’s your “real” job going to be? I DON’T KNOW DEBORAH. TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW YOUR REAL JOB IS GOING THESE DAYS.
      HEY. let’s do that virtual dinner date soon and complain about things.

  5. My favourite was someone during lockdown wanting FIFTEEN actors for a video ad, all working for free because it was a new business. A couple of us pointed out things like award rates and the concept of paying your suppliers and suddenly it wasn’t a business but a passion project and a “good cause”. I wonder if they used that line on the accountant, the insurance broker and the phone company too…

    • the nerve. the NERVE of telling people who are creatives that you should help them front their passion project. ugh. i’m sorry. as a writer, i should count myself lucky in that at least i get some material.

  6. I’m a self employed nonprofit consultant, and have been for 15 years. Wait, 16 years now.

    – We can’t pay you, but it’d be great exposure! (you know people have died from exposure, don’t you?)

    – I have this great idea for a nonprofit. You could help me set up a board, get my nonprofit status, and all that other stuff, then when we start fundraising, we could pay you!

    – How about you write a grant and if we get the money, you’ll get a commission (well, for one, because it’s not a given that you’ll get the money and two, because that’s considered unethical)

    – I want to start consulting too! Doing the same thing, in fact! What do you charge? How do you get clients? What are the top ten things I need to know in order to compete with you?

    – Oh, I was going to call your sister, but she works during the day. I knew you’d be free (thanks mom, but I’m not, actually)

    – Is this “client” actually “paying” you? (yes mom. We have an actual “contract” and everything)

    – Oh we hired Mr. XXX to work with our board and we love the work he’s doing! (my former boss when I asked how she was, who somehow forgot I do the same thing as the consultant they’d hired, and hadn’t asked me to bid on the project. Oh, and Mr. XXX took them to the cleaners, didn’t do the work properly and the board fired my former boss)

    • absolutely amazing. all of them. i’m so sorry. but for what it’s worth, i feel you. i was hoping my situation would improve over time, but after reading the comments to someone who has managed to run her own business for 16 years, i don’t suppose that will be the case.
      but hey – let me say something every last one of them should have started with: WOW. 16 years. You must be really good at what you do!

      • Thank you! And, for the record, they’ve tapered off considerably over time (except for the ones from my mom). Now people tend to assume I’m successful enough to be rolling in dough (yeah, um, working for nonprofits that’s never going to happen) and can donate my time.

        It is what it is. Still love what I do.

    • Beth, your pain is REAL and I’ll back you like Prince Harry backing Meghan Markle on every bit of it. I’m a grant writer and have lost track of how many times I’ve heard, “Help me get this non-profit started and raise some money for me and then I’ll pay you.” Or “There’s no reason writing grants on commission should be unethical. My husband sells cars on commission and that’s not unethical. What’s your problem?” As for your Mr. XXX and Former Boss, I do love a happy ending with a satisfying comeuppance. High fives for the board!

      • God bless grant writers. Sounds like a truly thankless job… Also, if either of you are interested I can pass grant writing requests I receive (few and far between, but i get RFPs or leads for them from time to time) to you or others in your network. Let me know.

        • The grant writer can be the scapegoat if the proposal isn’t funded or the hero if it is. Both are wildly inaccurate, but at least I get to feel like I’m doing some good in the world. Nova, I appreciate your offer! Yes, please send leads and RFPs my way. Beth, I’d also like to send you leads. Just for the projects I don’t have time or expertise for, not the ones I passed on for…reasons. Let me know. Here’s my LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/ann-krafcik-grantsandconsulting

          • Hello! Just sent you a request on LinkedIn :) Will keep you in mind if and when I get requests that suit you.

  7. Before the pandemic I was just constantly hit up by friends who work in offices for me to run errands for them during the day, or to baby-sit, or to walk their dog, etc since I’m not “busy” and I’m “not working”.

    • Ugh. That is so annoying – not because friends are asking for favors (I can manage that) but that they are implying or outright saying that you’re not busy or not working. And like, let’s just for the sake of argument say that was true – not about you but about “someone”. Like do people really think that if a person isn’t working that they can then babysit kids or walk a dog or do an airport pickup for free or next to free? First of all: If you’re asking someone for a service, you should offer to pay for that service no matter what. If you’re asking an unemployed person for a service, you should INSIST on paying for that service. INSIST. Unbelievable that this needs to be explained.

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