Hank came to me in a dream the other night. He was looking for an article I wrote six months ago about ghost kitchens. Also, Hank being Hank, he wanted to know if he could borrow a suitcase. I know that dream says a lot about me, but I think it says even more about Hank—about where exactly he thinks he’s going in the middle of a pandemic.
Hank, to be clear, is not a real person. He is the personification of my day job—or, more accurately, my former day job. Despite a long history of co-dependence and mutual entertainment, Hank let me go last October. I know it wasn’t really his idea, which is why I don’t hold it against him even now when he shows up after midnight, asking me for something I already sent him six times and a piece of luggage besides.
It’s an odd turn of events, I’d say, for me to be worried about Hank. If my subconscious is any indication, then Hank is stretched to the limit, putting in 4-hour days and frantically trying to recycle the work I did half a year ago. I wonder what else Hank is forced to do now that I’m gone: Read all his emails? Remember how to set an out of office notification? Actually supervise the five people he hired in my place, three of whom are named Dan?
I know I shouldn’t waste my time on Hank, but I can’t help it. There are times even now, months after we officially parted ways, when I stop and think of him. Of the meetings he postponed and the meetings he canceled and the meetings he just flat-out didn’t show up for. It was such an adjustment when I started freelancing and the people who hired me not only took my calls, but came fully prepared. What is this?! I wondered. How am I supposed to catch up on reality tv and still make a decent living with all these other people taking things seriously?
I’ll tell you what else is an adjustment: doing my actual job. For almost five years part of my remit was to entertain and prop up a very specific slice of middle management and now I don’t know what to do with this skill I’ve honed. None of my clients are like Hank, which is to say that none of them are going to send me a 50-slide deck with a cover note that just says “Tell me what to think.” So far, no one has asked me to pull together a one-pager on Twitch. I highly doubt that in the weeks and months to come I will be paid real money to explain what a Tiger King is.
Hank would have loved that show, by the way. Not necessarily watching it, but just listening to me talk about it. He’d learn a line or two; maybe copy down a name. Just enough so that he could be in on the joke when it came up.
Hey all you cool cats and kittens!
Hank would have loved that. Loved it! He would start all of his meetings that way for a month. So, once. He would have used the line once.
Part of me misses Hank. Not the work, of course, but the material. There was a time when I lived for those billable hours, the minutes I spent I explaining how to add a story on Instagram or helping him trouble shoot an eBay purchase while boarding a plane to Hong Kong. Sometimes strangers would overhear me and assume I was talking to my dad. And, in a way I was. Hank came to feel like family. He funded all my bad habits and put up with my shitty attitude and seemed to love me unconditionally… at least until that jackal Beverly came along.
I think that’s why Hank is top of mind now. Because even if I should maybe harbor a bit of resentment for claiming that he couldn’t afford to pay my salary despite having enough money to replace me with three new hires, all named Dan, I still have a soft spot for him. In fact, I worry about what’s going to come of him. With the world turning upside down, I know that someone who needs so much help getting by probably isn’t going to manage to hold on very long. That Ghost Kitchen article might buy Hank a few hours of peace, but it’s not going to save his skin any more than it did mine. I always knew Beverly would come for him and now I’m afraid that she has the perfect cover.
My hope is that Hank will take the news with grace. Perhaps he will even be pleasantly surprised by what the future may bring once he finally decides to put in some effort. If Hank called tomorrow, that’s what I’d tell him. That you have no idea how good you can be once you actually try. Well, that and: Thought Leadership > Travel & Hospitality > 2019 > Online Content > Ghost Kitchen V2.doc.
Wishing everyone continued health, stability and resiliency. As someone way ahead of the lay off trend, my very best wishes to those of you facing an uncertain future. I hope you hang on just as tight as Hank.
I love you. I have followed you for a while. I think you are great. We have just moved from Illinois to Alabama to be near my daughter and grandkids. I will never travel around like you do, but you can bet your life I will point you out as what is possible!
aw. thank you. i have the kindest readers. i hope you had a safe and uneventful journey and that you and yours are staying healthy. enjoy your new home and being closer to family. xx.