Last week, on my flight from Calgary to Toronto, a family of five boarded the plane just minutes before our scheduled departure. The woman took her seat in the last row; she had a child on either side plus an infant in her lap. Her husband, meanwhile, was seated across the aisle in an otherwise empty row…. until a flight attendant asked him to move. Apparently, he had disregarded his seat assignment and taken the liberty of seating himself in the area reserved for the cabin crew. In a huff, he got up and moved to his correct seat, which was in between me and another man, one row in front of his family.
On some level, I could understand his frustration. Space is at such a premium on planes that it’s hard not to be resentful that a whole row is being dedicated to someone else’s break time. But any sympathy I might have had for him evaporated about twenty minutes after takeoff when he turned to me and asked, “Would it be possible to switch seats?”
Seeing as how my seat was not any more accessible to his family, I didn’t understand why he was asking. What good would an aisle seat do him? More to the point, who asks someone to take the middle seat for no good reason? Doe he not know that sitting on the aisle costs money?
“No, I’m sorry,” I replied. “I paid for this seat.”
“It’s just very crowded,” he complained, motioning to his many bags on the floor. “And I’m tall.”
“I understand,” I smiled. “I’m tall too.”
And then I turned back to my laptop, opened a new Word document and transcribed the whole interaction. His long legs were so extra special that I decided to put them in my lady blog.
Initially, my frustration at this man pertained only to me. How dare he suggest that his legs were somehow more in need of room than mine? Where does he get off pretending that aisle seats don’t cost money? And what reasonable adult can’t sit still for three hours without the assistance of a stranger?
And then I got a grip. Because I realized that the woman who is likely far more affected by this man’s lack of self-awareness is the one sitting just behind me. His partner also had the misfortune of drawing a middle seat – only she had to manage the flight with an infant strapped to her body while also dolling out Cheerios and coloring sheets to her two other children. What man in his right mind looks at this situation and asks a stranger to switch seats not as a way to help his wife, but to make himself more comfortable?
The entitlement of men is nothing new. By now, most women have learned to live with it. We have long ago decided to ignore when men take up two seats on the subway or talk over us at meetings. We swallow our rage at the ones who don’t share the sidewalk and shoulder check us at every crosswalk. To go to a bar on a Saturday night is to accept the fact that at least one clod will elbow his way to the counter and, inch by inch, squeeze out whoever was standing there first.
A lot of times, I am able to convince myself that this behavior is unintentional. Self-absorbed, perhaps – but not malicious. I’ve stepped into the bike lane enough times myself to understand these things just happen sometimes.
But for many men, I know their behavior is no accident. I know that because they say so. They explain their reasoning and narrate the situation like I’m the one who’s not keeping up. They are tall, or busy, or late to something very important – why can I not see that?
These men – the ones who seem to think that their time is more valuable and their needs more urgent than mine – are the ones who aggravate me the most. A long time ago, I got into the habit or mirroring whatever excuse they gave about their self-importance. I, too, am tall and busy. I am rarely running late, but I’m willing to pretend that I am just to create a teachable moment. When a man at a restaurant in Amsterdam approached the unisex bathroom where I stood waiting and said, “Do you mind if I go ahead? I’ll be quick.” I said, “So will I!” And then, just for spite, I wasn’t. I felt it only fair that both of us should be frustrated by the situation.
Not all men are guilty of these things, of course. But some are. And the ones who aren’t – well they’re often just as bad because they write the whole thing off. They fail to empathize when we complain about these microaggressions or even acknowledge that they happened.
“Who cares?” they ask. “What does it matter?”
The fact that we care – that it matters to us, doesn’t seem to make any difference. Gentlemen, it’s time to face facts: If you don’t see the problem here, then you are part of the problem. And if you’re not willing to fix it out of respect to your fellow human beings, then please at least step it up for your partners.
I think this is an important post. Asking others to inconvenience themselves, just so you feel more comfortable (i.e. “would you be uncomfortable so that I don’t have to be”) is just ridiculous. Especially if it’s because you think that the person you asked isn’t as important as yourself or inferior.
However, I will defend “manspreading” until the day I die. Sometimes…how do I put this delicately…anatomical reasons require that we spread our legs for a little bit so that circulation stops being cut off or we stop feeling like two little nuggets on our bodies are being strangled. It’s annoying for everyone for sure, but sometimes we do it without thinking due to how painful it can be. LOL
thank you for getting it :)
so I do agree that man spreading is innocent enough. on the continuum of make entitlement, it is relatively low. that said, I most often encounter it on the subway, where there is the option to stand. if sitting is bothersome, then please stand up. taking up two places is just bad form. I think this is really at the core of each of the examples (waiting in line; walking down the sidewalk; talking on a conference call): the norm is X; the alternative is Y; why do some men seem to think they get to do XX at the expense of someone else?
if we ever have the pleasure of meeting, I hope you use all this information to your advantage… and find the most crowded subway car, spread all over the place, cell phone alerts BLARING. :)
as always, thanks for reading.
Don’t you put that evil on me Ricky Bobby! 🤣 I really try to be mindful all of the time. But sometimes the inherent douchebag pops out. I always feel guilty, though! LOL
I try to be mindful too, but also have my moments. That’s human. I think that if everyone just put in some effort, we’d all be a lot better off.
Yes Nova!
#itmatterstous :)
Exactly!! We will both tell them. Thanks for reading :)
This legit happened to me recently on a flight:
“Who is that lady, Daddy?” “That’s the lady who won’t let mommy sit by us.” No, kid, this is the lady who booked and paid for this seat and if your asshole parents had ASKED me to trade, you could be sitting with your mommy. But since they just made an assumption and then were assholes about it, I’m staying right here.
Ha – yeah, I hear you. I also don’t mind switching seats if it’s a reasonable trade. Aisle for aisle, window for window… even aisle for window. Whatever, it’s not such a big deal. But when it’s to the middle seat or from exit row/extra space to standard, I draw the line unless there are extenuating circumstances – like someone traveling with an elderly passenger or someone with special needs. I have definitely declined to move just so that three members of the same family can sit together. If that was important to them, then they should have planned ahead and paid for it, just like everyone else. Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. But I’m a bitch with my shit together.
I love the mirroring tactic! I’m definitely going to apply that in the future. And if their reply to my “I’m tall too” (or whatever) comment is a confused, “No, you’re not”, I’ll simply sadly say, “To me I am.”
Yes, it works well. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever had someone disagree with me… they’re usually so surprised by the initial challenge that they don’t say anything afterwards. Honestly, I think they know they’re asking for something they aren’t entitled to and so no one wants to push it. I will warn you that sometimes people get a little angry… like I once saw another woman ask a man to take off his backpack in the subway to make more room (there are literally announcements and signs telling people to do this – but I guess he missed them all!) and he got SUPER annoyed and started yelling at her. Whatever he said, (IS THIS ENOUGH SPACE FOR YOU NOW? CAN SOMEONE ELSE FIT HERE?” “Are you in charge of the subway?!”) she just replied, “Yes, thank you.” And he couldn’t handle it. It was pretty amazing. He didn’t let up until another man said, “Just take the backpack off.”
Wow! Good for her! Keeping a cool head in that sort of situation isn’t easy – and that’s where I do tend to mirror: they get angry, I get angry. I must remember to secretly chant in future, “Yes, thank you. Yes, thank you”, like a meditation mantra.
When I was flying back from the US in July I had prebooked an asle seat on the outside.
After I had sat down a family got on and the father asked me to move as they missed a connection and had been separated. Pointing me towards the middle seat of the centre block a row behind where i was sitting. I hate being trapped there because I struggle to sleep on planes. But assuming they would have a kid isolated I agreed. 5 minutes later an older woman went to take the window seat. And the father asked if she would mind moving as well. She objected as she had paid for that seat. But he insisted. Rather than make a scene she sat next to me.
I spent the flight hating their comfort…
Yeah, I have to say – I wouldn’t have switched in that case. It’s a long flight, you paid for a seat and there’s no plane on earth that can accommodate a family of five in a single row. Yes, I get that there’s a rebooking issue and I do have sympathy for them (I can only imagine how hard it is to travel with young children!), but, at the end of the day, it’s just not fair to the other passengers. You can ask – that’s fine… but when someone says no I think it’s pretty rude to “insist.” Three kids and a missed flight doesn’t entitle you to anything special… and it certainly doesn’t give you grounds to take what someone else already paid for. I know that seating arrangements aren’t really the domain of flight attendants, but I would point the person in that direction in the future. “Sorry, I paid for this seat and I only sit on the aisle for long flights. You should try to speak to the flight attendant to see if there are any available seats for you to sit together.”
I only swapped because I assumed there would be a kid sitting by themselves next to a stranger.
If i had known they just wanted to be a row closer I wouldn’t have. But I didn’t feel I could complain after I found out because the lady had just agreed to move too.
I am constantly amazed at how many people (often but not exclusively) men seem completely unaware of other people having thoughts, feelings or needs.