Someone asked me what Uber was today. I said, “It’s an app-based, on-demand car service.” When they looked at me like I had two heads, I added, “It’s a cheap alternative to a cab that you can order on your phone.” And when that still didn’t do the trick, I said, “You open the app, a car picks you up and it usually smells better than a taxi.” Point made.
Here are 15 other alternative definitions I came up with during my four months on the road:
1. AirBnB: An online platform where property owners can hone their creative writing and photography skills.
2. Heli-skiing: A form of exercise practiced by wealthy European businessmen who want to injure their knees.
3. Honey: A thick, sticky substance easily mistaken for apple juice when poured into a small glass and served at a continental breakfast.
4. Humming: A subtle way of letting everyone on a plane know that you don’t give a shit.
5. Boiled beef: A traditional Viennese dish served by people who have no interest in preparing food.
6. Net: A finely-woven web of cord or rope commonly used by humans to catch butterflies and sharks.
7. Inch: Unit of measurement equivalent to 2.5 centimeters, unless it is being used to measure hair, in which case the quantity is highly subjective and at the sole discretion of the stylist.
8. In-room safe: A temperamental, battery-operated device that can be used to store large amounts of cash or important travel documents, possibly permanently.
9. Suitcase: An often heavy and unwieldy object that can be thrown down an escalator to defend yourself against people who were never bothering you.
10. Postage stamp: A small, but expensive, piece of paper that is useless once dropped into a canal.
11. Deadbolt: A intricate locking mechanism that confuses people who are tired or drunk.
12. Castle: A total letdown.
13. Backpack: A travel accessory that can be worn by women to instantly appear ten years younger.
14. Bus ticket: A travel voucher not valid for train journeys.
Bonus: Third-party submission
15. Nov: A verb used to describe someone who is totally fucking nailing it even if they inspired all of the above; i.e. Way to Nov!